surviving christmas. just barely.

after our trek to see the doctor last monday, i was told that both my son and i had strep throat. he also had double ear infections. we had dualing coughs, fevers, the works. we left with matching mommy-&-me antibiotic prescriptions.

and thus began five days of hell. mine was fine and little by little i am almost back to 100%. my child's antibiotic, however, made him even sicker. i will spare you the details but mark my words, he will NEVER take that medication again. he has hardly eaten in over a week but his appetite has finally started to reemerge.

Christmas was wonderful, aside from feeling like death was knocking at my door. my family and friends showered my son with so many great gifts. he scored such things as a toddler size drum set, a huge train table set up, a tool bench, tons of books and clothes. we took dozens of pictures of the present opening but because the boy was so sickly, he has a nasty runny nose in almost every single one. this is the initial thrill with the drums.

and this is my little man rocking his first drum solo while little cousin in her brand new jammies looks on.

so here's hoping nobody else catches the crud we had. all the kids in the family had it and half of us adults had it as well. i also hope that your christmas was as wonderful and fulfilling as mine was.

time to put this old girl down.

just take me out to the barn and humanely euthanize me, please. i am quite certain i have pneumonia and probably some other lung-digesting disease as well. the sickness is sucking the stregth right out of my bones and muscles. in the last few days i have become one feeble, exhausted, dying lump of whimpering and coughing flesh.

i managed to get a doctor's appointment today and they are willing to see both me and my son at the same time since we are both gulping our last breaths and withering away from the same ailment. hopefully we can survive just a few more hours to make it into town to the clinic.

i am rather looking forward to the doctor's office. i can safely doze and let the hellion sickly toddler roam around the exam room which willbe kid-safe with no worries. doctors are always running late so i can pretty much count on getting a good hour long snooze there. note to self: take a pillow and blanket.

drink up my words and my twisty black thoughts because surely you understand the heaviness of malady now. i may not be back to share my thoughts again...

Merry Christmas or happy whatever winter holiday you may celebrate. may you find much love and joy this week.

bah humbug.

too much is happening around me, about me, with me and without me. my thoughts have been going ninety to nothing lately as i am trying to keep up with everything and attempt to maintain some shread of my newly found and cherished sanity. my god, it seems that heartache and pain is striking so many people lately, i almost feel guilty taking any pleasure out of anything i do.

two very important things i need to say.
1. the previously mentioned person in need of an organ transplant has found a match. this is a very big and important step in getting her heathier. this is wonderful news.

2. my oldest and best friend on the planet lost a grandparent on wednesday evening. to her family, i am so very sorry. i love you all and my deepest sympathies go out to you. this time of the year has been so hard for your crew the last few years but i know that you are a strong and loving family and that will help you all cope.

in my own world, i am sick AGAIN, as is my son. my mother was in a hit and run accident last weekend. i have crippling cramps. a selfish and manipulative member of my extended family is making everyone insane with her awful behavior. i have friends who have lost family members and pets this week. i am simply spent: physically, emotionally and mentally.

just give me a couple of days. once i can get a handle on this cold or flu or whatever it is, i will bounce back. but for now i am run completely down.

bummed

reader(s), there is nothing worse than feeling helpless. (see the entry below this one) sigh...

tonight is the christmas party for my husband's job. i don't even want to go. i don't feel much like going and plastering on a fake smile and pretending to enjoy the company of those other ridiculously superficial schlumberger wives. usually i am at least looking forward to the night of free booze, but even that doesn't even interest me today. yes, i am truly sad for my friend.

my heart hurts for a friend

i have a friend who is truly in need of a medical miracle for a member of her family. this friend is a wonderfully funny and smart and generous person. she has a smile and laugh that can light up a room. she works hard and is a good mother who would walk to the ends of the earth for her family. she tackles challenges with her head up.

nobody ever said life was fair, but damn, this is so unfair. this family shouldn't have to be in this position. i just can't imagine the fear and pain and stress. i can't imagine knowing that when you are in need of a transplant organ, that somebody else will have to lose their life to save yours.

if you pray, please pray. if you shake chicken bones, please shake them. if you are one with the universe, please put in a request that this family find some peace by way of a successful transplant.

i miss my husband: a whine

wah. call me a wahmbulance and feed me a wahmburger. give me some cheese because i want to whine.

my husband had to go to work to go on a job 3 hours from home, yesterday at 5 pm. he expected to get in by midday today. as if that wasn't sucky enough, nothing went as expected. which IS actually somewhat expected in the oilfield.

more than 24 hours later they are still in the same spot, with no progress and still don't know when they get to come home. he hasn't showered. he has barely had a couple hours to nap. it's been windy as hell outside and sorta cold.

i want my husband to come home. i want him to go to sleep next to me and steal the covers all night. i actually miss his pointy ass elbows jabbing into my back and sides. i want to cook him lasagne and i want to curl up on the couch with him once saaquatch gets put to bed.

right before i married him, another schlumberger wife who is old enough to be my mother warned me it would be like this. she told me i would live alone, raise any future chuildren alone, i would essentially be a widow. a schlumberger widow.

she was right. and while in the grand scheme of things i am ok with that, right now i am not. my husband's job provides for us and will hopefully keep providing for us until he retires in another 20 years or so. but i don't have to like it. i don't have to like him being gone on 20 hour work days and sometimes 36-72 hour "workdays". i don't have to like single parenting. i don't have to like sleeping alone. i don't have to like signing his name to cards because he is never home when it comes time to sign them.

i miss my husband and i want him to come home.

hey look it's me!

in case you aren't paying close attention, please note that i have finally added a photo of myself and my darling boy to the blog. look it's right over there on the right hand side. yeah, for the record, i almost always have sunglasses on if i am awake. even when i am inside all day and haven't been outside, chances are i will have sunglasses on my head as a headband.

i love the picture. it was taken by my friend Rhonda Tolar who does beautiful photography. she recently came by my place to take a bunch of pictures of my son for us and they all came out wonderfully. if you are in louisiana or eastern texas and you need a photographer, get in touch with her and see if you can't strike up a deal. you won't be sorry.

i need a christmas sherpa

i am feeling so festive this year. for the first time in ages i am EXCITED about christmas. i want my tree and deorations up. NOW.

i have a problem, however. i hate the actual decorating. i hate dragging the boxes in out of the shed... and praying there are no snakes or mice in it. i hate unpacking it all. i hate putting the tree together. and most of all, i hate putting the lights and ornaments on the tree. don't get me wrong, i love them once they are up. i just can not stand getting it all put up.

a christmas sherpa would be sublime. somebody to come in and assist while looking out for my best interest while putting up my decorations. that would free me up for my favorite two holiday activities of baking and wrapping gifts.

where might i find my very own sherpa?

thanksgiving: so welcome this year

alas friends, it is a day of giving thanks. why do we only dedicate one day a year to this? in a world where times are getting tougher for nearly everyone, it is my opinion that we should spend more time being appreciative of the joys we DO have in our daily lives.

i am up. it's early. why am i up? because my perfectly unperfect child woke me up at 5:30. again. but i was so happy to hear his happy chattering through the baby monitor. we tried for a long time to get pregnant and i had all but given up on ever having a child. the weeks before i found out i was pregnant and the few weeks following were incredibly difficult for my family. one of my nephews who was born with very serious health problems passed away after living his entire life in NICU. and then my husband's dog, who was a beloved member of our family passed away. i have also been told that i will probably not be able to get pregnant again. my child is a blessing and through all the heartache and struggle with him, he is a gem. i could not possibly love another human being any more than i love him.

my husband. he has saved my life. he has saved me from myself. he makes me laugh and challenges me with our head-butting stubbornness every single day. he is, in the truest sense of the phrase, my other half. so cliche, but i have to say he truly completes me.

my brother. my beloved big brother. i love you so much. i am so proud of you for holding your head up and charging through the last few years with your head up and managing to land now in your wonderful new house. you are my hero and i know we don't say shit like that enough but i mean it. i just wish you could be here with us on this feasting day. i was listening to Alice's restaurant already this morning and i thought if you and how much fun you would be sitting on the group W bench.

my extended family. wonderful folks. strong hardworking people who would give you the shirt off their back and the food on their plates. i love that we are having a BBQ today rather than the traditional thanksgiving meal.

we have a roof over our heads, that didn't get destroyed in the latest hurricane. we have food. we pay our bills (mostly on time, haha) and we get by. my husband works himself to the bone to provide for us and do us right.

i have friends that tickle my funny bone everyday. i have friends that get me and accept me for my shortcomings and celebrate my strengths with me. i have friends that have been through similar issues with their kids, friends that even though they have no kids, always know the right answers, friends who are old enough to be my mother. friends who fall into every category across the spectrum. they are all far away, but i hope they know i love them.

i am so lucky. and i am so thankful. it's been a hell of a year since last thanksgiving. but i am here. i feel GOOD. i am living again and celebrating the simpleness of my life and lavishing in it. please take time today to reflect on your own life. tell the ones closest to you that you love them. just. be. greatful.

now if you will excuse me, i need to get to the shower and start getting ready for a day of laughs, drinking, eating, and giving thanks with most of the people i love best in this world. those that aren't with me, know that you are in my thoughts today.

getting caught up in a moment and regret

did you ever say something to somebody when you were caught up in a mment and the realize later that it was a lie? then you feel like hammered shit because 1) you know you have been dishonest and 2) because you will have to tell them that you didn't really mean what you said and thus hurting them.

crap.

i hate that i lead this person to believe something. i also hate that i allowed myself to get caught up in a little warm fuzzy moment and say things that weren't entirely true. what i hate the most is that the other person in this scenario is a really decent person who hasn't ever done anything wrong by be.

crap.

has it been that long?

time flies, no? many thoughts, so today you get a 'musings' post.

- it has rained a shocking amount here in the last 2 days. we litterally have 3-5 inches of standing water over most of our front yard and land behind the house. i love hearing the rain, but damn! our ditches are already full, the groud is obviously completely saturated, we have a lake now. if the rain continues i don't think i will even be able to get my little roller skate of a car out of the driveway!

- my husband killed a deer! hunting season started on november 1st and this was his first time ever being on a deer lease. he built his deer stand this past summer and got it out there. three days before hunting season started, wild hogs knocked over and destroyed his feeder and he was devastated. however, a new one was put up immediately. so the other morning just as he was deciding to call it a day in the stand, he saw this beautiful doe wander near his stand. he shot her, tagged her, and brought her home.

we cleaned and gutted and butchered the deer ourselves. this was of course all brand new to me. i was fascinated, because i am an anatomy dork. the meat all sat on ice for a couple of days to get the remaining blood out and last night we and my in laws feasted on back strap, red beans, and mashed potatoes. yummmmmm.

- christmas shopping is going fabulously well. for once i actually have ideas for EVERY. FREAKING. ONE on my list and many of the gifts have been purchased or ordered. wait, except for my brother. dammit. i love him to death but i have no clue what to get him. he is hard to shop for. are you reading this brother? you are hard to shop for. give me some ideas that won't break me, please!

- don't lie to me. don't lie to my friends. i had a sick feeling on my heart/gut recently because somebody that i thought was a trustworthy person denied denied denied that she was aware of a situation that everyone else was seriously stressing about. not cool. in my book, that's a lie and she intentionally allowed people to worry for no reason. this makes me sad.

on melancholy mixed with nostalgia

as a friend of mine frequently says, le sigh. that is exactly how i feel right now. excuse me while i lecture myself.

don't ever wonder what might have been. just don't. life is what it is. all wondering does is wake up a bunch of old thoughts that have been long since put to bed and burried.

now snap out of it, dammit.

le sigh....

usually i kinda dread the holiday season

lots of really crappy holidays behind me paired with the fact that i hate trying to come up with appropriate gifts for people make me want to hide out from november until january. and of course money is a HUGE issue this year also.

but something is different now. i already have a good jump start on my holiday gift shopping. i have bene trying to buy a little bit along the way for a while now so that we aren't hit in the wallet all at once in december. and, i have heard several friends either tell me or i've read in their blogs that they are stoked about the holiday season being upon us. and let me tell ya, that cheer has worn off on me. it makes me feel a little woozy.

for thanksgiving my family is having a barbeque. yes, forget turkey and dressing. my awesome family is going to barbeque and have potato salad and baked beans and my sister in law's wonderful home made mac and cheese that nobody can ever duplicate. personally, i think she bakes crack in it, but probably not. we'll eat brisket and ribs and drink beer. and we will give thanks.

hell yes. my mind is finally in a really good and sound place. this year thanksgiving feels really special to me. it's been one hell of a year, and i stress hell. between the hospital and what lead up to it, the hurricane, finances, and all the joys stresses of my angelic little monster i have never felt more greatful and appreciative of what i really have.

and for Christmas - the whole huge extended family will be here at the compoond. that is another thing i am really thankful for. it means that we won't have to travel and especially that my husband's grandma is going to love having everyone together at once. we'll do a big traditional meal with baked turkey, deep fried turkey, ham, chicken and dumplings, all the sides, and countless pies because we do so love us some pie.

so apparently bah-humbug-halfy will not be joining the festivities this year. it's gonna be tiny tim halfy. bet you're getting scared, aren't you?

food for thought

what would you say?

"somebody gave me this phone. she said i could talk to god but i don't know what to say. i want you to have it."

andy warhol to jim morrison in the movie the Doors

if you a direct phone line to god or the diety of your choice, what would you say or ask? would you even take advantage of such a thing?

film genius, musical genius, psychotic drugged poet

i love the music of the doors. i love the oliver stone film about them. i love jim morrison's writing - his poetry and his lyrics.

both the film and the music of the doors takes me back to a place in my life where i was desperate. it was a desperation for change, for control, for wanting to be noticed and wanting to fit in within a crowd at the same time. i was a freshman at the University of Arizona at that time. i am not sure when the film came out, but it was either 1996 or 1997 when i finally saw it.

my soul was tortured and morrison's words resonated with me. they made sense and i felt them. i drank too much and ended up giving myself ulcer's from my stress and worry.

i have since grown up. i have grown old. ok, so i am only 30 now, but i am world's away from where i was then. many days i feel like a very old soul. listening to, watching, reliving the doors is comforting. sure, it reminds me of my own pain at that time. however, it also makes me nostalgic. it reminds me of long late summer nights with friends. parties. the college experience. drugs. the words and notes remind me of trying to figure who i really was. i was still basking in the glory of being a highschool superstar. furiously working towards a career goal that has long since been deserted.

i don't know what it is about jim morrison and the doors. morrison walked a fine line between genius artist and completely fucked up lunatic. i guess everyone's baggage pros and cons.

saturday morning haiku

headache pounding brain
needs strong coffee IV stat
evil addiction

yeah. about that. i really do seem to have quite the caffeine problem anymore. when i wake up in the morning with a splitting headache because i haven't had any caffeine in my system since 4:30 the previous afternoon, that may be a asign to start cutting back.

i love my coffee. i love my diet coke. it hurts my heart (and head) to think of having less of them in my life. let us share a moment of silence.

who am i kidding? i won't be cutting back. just living with more shame about my addiction taht at times rules and steers my life like an astrological phenomenon.

how much sense does this make?

none. i will just tell you that the answer is that it makes no damn sense whatsoever.

the big scary tree that lives, grows, exists, and terrorizes me right behind our house was damaged in hurricane Rita in 2005. it wasn't bad damage, but it was damaged. it got even more damage in last month's hurricane ike. there are several ginormous branches that are broken or nearly broken but are stuck, hung up or dangling in the other foilage on the tree.

this poor old losing its beauty oak tree needs to be professionally removed. every time the wind blows i fear that part or all of the tree is going to land on my roof and therefore crush my happy little aluminum trailer house.

finally, over a month after the last hurricane, Texas Farm Bureau Insurance company sent their inspectors out to assess our damage and see what they could help with. sure, we have damged fence lines. the skirting around the bottom of the house is about 90% wrecked or gone completely. the back door won't even close and we have tape, yes tape, sealing bugs out around the edge of the door. and the whole house is very unlevel. everything in our fridge and freezer was ruined. we will probably receive money to help with all that.

but do you know what? until that big ass tree that looms over our roof actually falls and does damage to our structure, they can't do a damn thing about it. now again, how much sense does that make? it is a big threat to our home. it would cost much less for them to help with the cost of hiring tree guys than it will to oh... let's say replace a whole entire house and its contents when the tree crushes our house like an empty beer can.

fuck. here's hoping that the estimate for all of our other damage will pay for getting the tree removed. i couldn't care less about the bent fence on the back of the back forty. i am sure we can salvage some of our skirting ourselves also. just get the thorn in my side, or rather the tree looming over us like a black rain cloud, gone.

the very best things in life

fair readers, let me warn you all that today's blog is a little warm and fuzzy. it may even boarder on being a bit sickening to some of you that are rather used to my potty mouth and sarcasm. if you are prepared, read on. if not, try again in a few days and i may have something else to talk about by then.

i am a bit of a germ-o-phobe. before having a kid, the mere thought of a petting zoo grossed me out. how on earth could somebody go in there, touch animals, feed animals and not wash their hands with hot soapy water upon exiting? i mean really.

considering that we live in a rural part of the world and this week is the week of the annual county fair event, we had to go naturally. it's not called a fair but an exposition TVE actually). there is a carnival, but it's not large. there is an exhibition hall, but it's mostly just local candidates trying to smile and wave at the most people. there is fried food booths, but mostly it's barbequed meats that folks buy. and the main reason people go is the animals.

it seems to me that a majority of the kids in this area are involved in 4H or FFA. kids out here know how to raise animals. they know how to care for livestock. 40 pound 6 year old girls show cattle that out weigh their entire families. so we took our kid to go see the animals.

i was afraid that he wouldn't care. he is indifferent yet to so many things on account of the fact that he is only 2 and is still quite unsure of the world. however, right inside the entrance to the TVE is the petting zoo and pony rides. it was raining so the pony rides were out. DAMN. i so wanted him to ride a pony. i never got to do a pony ride as a child and i really needed him to do it so i could live vicariously through him. anyhow, all of the ponies from the pony ride were in the tent with the rest of the petting zoo animals. i paid my fifty cents for a cup of "feed" and took the little man in.

the next few minutes filled me with so much pride and simple unadulterated joy, i could have cried. my baby loved feeding the animals. he was so gentle and interested in them. he didn't spaz and freak out. he didn't whack any of the animals with his kung fu chops. he didn't scream. he was amazing. i was so proud of him and surprised that he enjoyed it so much that i forgot about my germmy animal issues and i began feeding the goats and sheep and ponies right out of the palm of my hand as well. and it was really damn fun. it was a perfect few minutes shared between us and it was even more perfect when i looked up to make sure my husband was watching our son and i could see the pride and happiness in his face as well.

we eventually got around to touring the livestock barns and looking at all the cattle, sheep, pigs, goats, chickens and rabbits that were to be shown at this year's expo. seeing a kid light up with excitement and wonder at new sights, smells and sounds is great. i just hope he keeps that interest in animals and when he gets big enough we can keep some pigs or goats and learn all about raising them.

a most unglamourous morning

those that know me know that i don't wear make-up. i don't fix my hair any special way. i am not a fashion maven. however, this morning made my normal appearance look as though i had just hopped out of the pages of a trendy magazine.

last night the giant toddler got sick. right at bedtime he started a sad little cough. by 11 pm, he had woken himself up with coughing and crying a couple of times. it went downhill from there.

he couldn't lay down without coughing. i finally gave in and accepted that he needed rest and if he didn't get it, neither of us would. so i sat up on the couch holding him all night so he could be somewhat upright.

by the time 5 am rolled around and very little sleep by me, we were a mess. i had baby drool and snot all over my shirt. my hair was a ratty mess, my glasses bent. my boy had peed so much in his sleep that his diaper leaked all over both of us and we were both wearing wet pajamas. yuck. the cough medicine i had tried to convince him to take in the darkness last night had dripped all over both of us in a sticky pink mess. we put on clean pajamas and returned to the couch where we both slept like rocks for about 2 hours.

there is simply nothing that makes a mom more unpretty than caring for a sick little one. now if you will excuse me i will be bathing and doing laundry...

more rambling late night thoughts while eating cheez-its

for starters, i feel like my emotional well being has been upended in the last week. it's funny how something one person says out of real honest concern can rip another to shreads.

i had made peace with the fact that my kid is 2 years old and doesn't talk yet. i have worked through feeling like a complete and total shit of a mother for not "teaching" my child to talk. i have gotten over feeling like a complete jackass for wasting a ton of money and putting my son through a battery of unpleasant medical tests when i believed when somebody told me he was possibly autistic. i am now medicated after dealing with the dark depths of depression thta was only made worse when a developmental therapist told me that my baby's lack of speech was my fault.

and then comes the blind side. it hit me like a freight train when somebody i love dearly told me that she was still extremely worried about my son and that she seriously believes he is very delayed and needed more speech therapy.

the fact of the matter is that he does say a few words. he tries, dammit. he interacts now. he laughs, makes faces, uses gestures and follows directions. so the fuck what if he doesn't put 2 words together yet or use verbs? so what? we are doing our damn best as parents and anyone who has an issue with the way we are raising my darling boy can fucking suck it.

wow, that felt good.



don't you just hate when somebody takes a horrible tragedy in another's life and turns it into their very own drama parade. suddenly it's all about them... god, i hate that. and said person is apparently going to be under my nose for a couple of months now.

remember in the movie tombstone when Wyatt Earp first walks into The Oriental and the guy dealing cards is trash talking everyone? he says something to the effect of "christ almighty! it's like i'm sittin' here playin' cards with my brother's kids or sumthin'. you nerve wrackin' sons of bitches..." that really describes most interaction with miss-it's-all-about-me-drama-llama.



what goes through the minds of some folks? do people seriously use actual chicken bones as part of halloween costumes? i am looking for a plastic bone to be used as part of a BamBam Rubble costume. it was suggested to me that i use a chicken bone. yes, i know all the meat and grease could be scraped off but seriously? fuck no. i don't want every dog, cat, and raccoon within a mile radius of where my spawn is trick-or-treating to track him down and pounce on him. he IS a very large two year old, but i doubt very much that he could single handedly take on a pack of animals. i say single handed because i can guarandamntee you that is a bunch of crazed hungry animals start coming after him, my ass is gonna be hightailing it in another direction.

and really. let's remember folks that i am a city slicker. i haven't ever had a need to clean a chicken carcus. i buy boneless chicken parts to cook simply because i am a wee bit grossed out at biting chicken or any meat off the bone. i don't like doing it. i will do it if say it's a meal of chicken fried by my inlaws because that is a special kind of heavenly deliciousness, but otherwise, NO. and hell to the no way am i putting an old for real chicken bone on my kid. jeezus.


i wanted a tarp. FEMA Nancy didn't give me one. damn her. who really cares if we didn't have a need for a tarp? she should have brought me one anyhow.

so the universe is a strange place

remember my neighbors that were just certain that somebody was trying to gain unlawful entry to their home the other night? these same neighbors have admitted to poisoning dogs that wander into their yard. they also have been known to shoot firearms wrecklessly across their yard and in the direction of my family's property when we have been outside.

yeah, them. well, their house burnt up on sunday.

they have a history of burning the trash that they toss into their back yard. and it stinks. bad. so my husband and i are sitting in the house on sunday afternoon and we smell the stench of something burning. one of us commented that the neighbor must be burning trash again.

a few minutes later we hear sirens and horns of the volunteer firefighters' trucks. one of us commented that the neighbor probably set the house on fire. the other one of us chuckled because the notion seemed entirely unfathomable at that time.

so we go look to see where the trucks are going and what is happening and sure enough the neighbors' home in on fire. smoke is so thick outside that it is painful to breathe. they walked out of their house with nothing. if no foul play (insurance fraud) was involved, this means that these folks lost all their worldly possessions. regardless of how screwy they are, that's just sad.

rumor has it that the fire appeared to be the result of some electrical malfunction in the attic space, not a trash fire that wasn't properly tended to. who knows? i will leave it to the insurance adjusters and the fire inspectors to decide.

karma is a heartless bitch, so be good to other people and animals.

things that go bump, or rather BANG, in the night

so there i was last night. all chillax in the living room with my husband and we hear a BANG outside. husband says, "that sounded like a gun shot." to which i replied "because it was."

so about 15-20 minutes later my father in law, who if you will remember lives next door, comes walking up on our front porch. he has a mag lite in one hand, a pistol in the other and he is wearing nothing but a pair of shorts. a beautiful picture, let me tell ya.

apparently the neighbor on the other side of his house said she saw somebody trying to break into her bedroom window. she has a single shot rifle and so she fired her only shot "over the guy's head" and caused him to run off. ummm, ok.

so husband grabs his handgun and his mag lite. we both throw on flip flops and head outside. the three of us walk the back of our fenceline and visually skim every corner and possible hiding place in our back pasture. nobody is there.

by this point, i am nerved up. i am a little freaked out. no, i am a lot freaked out. i hated living in houston because of the crime. country life suits me just fine because there is virtually nothing bad happening out here besides an occasional drug bust or a drunken domestic violence call. the very idea of a person with ill intentions creeping around in the darkenss outside my house gives me chills.

so we finally come back inside. husband keeps his handgun loaded. he loads his .22 and has it ready as well. about 30 minutes later we hear another damn gun shot. seriously? seriously? is this "let's entirely fuck up halfy's head night"? nothing was happening outside.

there were no neighbors outside talking and the law never did come even though they were called. as the rest of the evening went on, i kind of decided that the neighbor who claims to have seen the would-be intruder is a bit off her rocker. their back yard is a dump. more than likely she saw a raccoon or a 'possum bopping around outside her window and didn't know better.

you would think that even stupid criminal types would know better than to try to jack with red neck country folks. i mean, everyone out here is armed. pretty much everyone out here would shoot to maim if not kill. and really, from the house that was supposedly targeted, there was no where to go but back out onto the highway and be seen. idiots.

surprisingly i slept like a log last night. nothing else went "BANG"!

time flies

yesterday was my precious baby's second birthday. it's so cliche, but i must agree that time flies and that they grow up so fast. what other cliches? how about that he defines unconditional love?

i was in labor with the little devil for 24 hours and finally had to have an emergency c-section. that pretty much paved the road for him to be a royal pain in the ass ever since. but god, how i love him. i just can't imagine our lives without him, now. doesn't he look thrilled?

he is still a baby in our eyes. the fact is, besides his cousins (two of which live a couple thousand miles away), he has no friends. so he had no big fabulous party. there is time for spendy gimicky flashy birthday parties when he gets old enough to remember them. we had cake with the family and opened presents. he had a blast.

when he thought nobody was looking, i caught him sticking his finger into the cake and having a lick.

i planted some seeds last year

and some of them grew.

what the hell am i talking about? some astrological mumbo-jumbo. i don't know. it seemed like a good idea at the time.

i was told that any seeds, literal or figurative, planted in the time between a solar eclipse and the next full moon would be very significant to us 6 months down the road. the task was to make up a list of 100 goals or desires that the list writer would like to see come to fruition in the next year. seal up the list and don't look at it for one year. when the year has passed, look at your list and see what has "grown".

i only came up with 38, not 100. about 20 of them came to fruition. my closet was cleaned out. i have lost some weight (not all that i wanted, but about half), i am more active and exercise pretty regularly. i failed in the realm of quitting smoking and a few other things. it's very interesting to me to look back and see where my head was then, especially considering everything that i have been through in the last 12 months.

i have no clue when eclipses and full moons and such happen. i don't care one way or the other about astronomy or astrology. however, i really like this idea. i think i will sit down and create a new list of things i'd like to see myself accomplish in the next year. i hate new year's resolutions. they always seem to be grandiose and unattainable by about January 3rd.

what seeds will i plant? what seeds would you plant?

just what the half needed

a weekend to laugh myself silly, drink too much, and just generally forget the rest of my life.

a weekend with girlfriends will surely cure what ails you and in my case i want to thank everyone that was a part because it was some very very much needed therapy. love you all and can't wait to do it again!

hurricane recovery

ike came in on a friday night and saturday morning.

on thursday afternoon my husband, child, SIL and neice headed to my brother's sturdy brick apartment building where we hibernated until sunday morning. the first side of the storm was not bad for us. the eye passed over us and i thought "well, the second half shouldn't be much worse than the first. it was. or at least it seemed to be.

thanks to my brother having a generator, we watched news coverage all night and all day on friday and saturday. the kids slept but none of adults got more than a couple of hours. it was exhausting and surreal.

when we came home we had trees uprooted everywhere. thank the universe that my home had no structural damage and the rest of my family here had only minimal house damage. we spent an entire week just cutting up trees that had fallen and cleaning the yards. there is still work to be done and work in progress.

the electricity was out for a week and a day. our water was off and on for the first several days. since my father in law has a camper with a generator and air condidtioning, the whole family piled up in there each night so that we could at least get some cool sleep.

it was a shitty week. things are still shitty but i have to be grateful that things weren't any worse than they were. so many people had so much more destruction and loss than we did. my family is fine and that matters most.

we were told our elctricity could take four to six weeks to be back on and i nearly cried and kissed the linemen on the mouth when they got us back up and running when they did.

it seems odd to me that it's now late september. during the last couple of weeks my entire world has been about hurricane preparation, survival, and recovery. that there was more going on in the world besides this is almost foreign. presidential campaign? middle east crisis? huh?

i have very mixed and scattered thoughts about this whole experience. this was only my second real hurricane. i know that as long as i live here there will be more, but i could really do without them. as more things come to mind about it all, i'm sure i will spew them out here. but life goes on, it has to.

i just want to get some sleep

but my mind won't stop.

thanks to Ike, the bastard banshee of a storm, i am all uneasy.

i find myself somewhat complacent after Gustav threatened and then left us greatfully underwhelmed here. i don't want to shop tomorrow. i don't want to pack bags. i don't want to spend any amount of time hunkered down in someone else's house for safety. and mostly i don't want to worry about what shape my house will be in after the storm. IF, in fact, the storm even hits us.

gah. i laid down in bed 2 hours ago. my body is painfully exhausted. i got back up 1 hour ago becuase just laying there knowing i am not sleeping does nothing more than piss me off.

i have running lists going on, mentally. the list of things that i must take for the kid. the things that are sentimentally valuable such as photographs. the things that fall into the "important papers" category, the things i can't live without (my leave-in conditioner), the things i need to re-stock up on like drinking water and peanut butter and mindless crap magazines to help me pass the possible time with no power.

anyhow, normally when i absolutely can't sleep, i will take one single bendryl and then be comatose within 30 minutes. but now it's too late. if i take a bene now, i will end up even more groggy and exhausted tomorrow.

fucking hurricane. i don't need this shit. and it probably won't even affect us.

we are, in fact, a hurricane magnet

yet another hurricane is coming our way... maybe.

we had edouard. then we were threatened with Gustav, which thankfully changed course at the last minute and hit Louisisana rather than the northeaster Texas coast. now we have Ike brewing around in the gulf.

it was supposedly headed exactly at us yesterday but as of the weather forecasters this morning it may be hitting the southern Texas coast now.

who knows?

i am just sick to death of the anticipation. the stocking up on crap ass pre packaged foods that won't go bad if the electricity goes out. it's so stressful waiting and watching a friggin storm as if we have nothing more productive to do. really!

a 4 wheelin' we will go

my sweet boy will turn 2 at the end of september. he is a very very large 23 month old. he is a monster and he has earned the nickname sasquatch among some.

my son's grandpa (Papa) bought him an early birthday present. Papa and Mimi have been talking about getting him a Power Wheels vehicle of some sort since he fist took an interest in his cousin's pink power wheels harley davidson.

yesterday after nap time Mimi and Papa called us over to their house - they live next door, remember. we go over and there on the patio is a shiney blue power wheels 4 wheeler. little man's eyes got as big as saucers. after a couple of minutes of eye balling it, he was in love and had to try it out.

he can't steer yet. and i am not sure if he 100% understands that the pedal to push with his foot is what makes it go and to stop he must pick up his foot, but nonetheless, he LOVES it.

what a lucky family we are. lucky to have such a sweet kid. lucky that our child has such wonderfully loving and generous grandparents who live right next door.

this is him late last evening. his eyes show how tired he is. but isn't he precious? (i know i'm not least little bit biased).

slow sunday and a handful of thoughts

- i got a new tattoo on friday night. it is an excerpt from a love poem by ee cummings. although it's a love poem in terms of romantic love, i saw that most of it really hit home with me about how much i love my kid, and how he is so much a part of me. so now, near the top of my back is the following verse:

i carry your heart with me (i carry it in my heart)

check out the whole poem sometime. it's really nice. i've been told that it is read at the end of the movie "in her shoes". however Cameron Diaz is in that movie and i can NOT stand her so i will not be seeing it. ever.

- my newest addiction is chocolate teddy grahams. great. i bought them for my son because he likes them better than real cookies. too bad i have now eaten almost the entire box. nasty little devil bears. sorry cheez-its, chocolate teddy grahams have bumped you down my list of preferred snack foods.

- i am really proud of myself for exercising. really. i know that's lame and shit, but i am patting myself on the back. almost every day for the last couple of weeks i have either gone to the park to walk with the child in the stroller or else gotten up super early and gone to the gym to run on the treadmill before my dearest husband gets up. now, if i could just put down the teddy grahams, i might see some results.

- beer is good. yeah, duh. it's so nice to get to go out every once in a while and just have a couple of cheap beers at the local dive. of course out her ein east jesus, texas all there are are dive bars. but heay, the ambience is great and you are never underdressed. by the way, i love beer. it's good.

- the september weekend getawy is getting closer and closer and dammit i am so tickled. i am so excited i can hardly stand myself. miss type A plan ahead and organize the hell out of everything here already knows exactly what clothes i will be packing. i am sick, i tell ya. austin, here i come. getting to see everyone is going to make my whole year.

- i am thinking about making my kid be Bam Bam (of flintstones fame) for halloween. we could just let his hair get a bit shaggy before then and i could whip him up an animal print loin cloth. he already loves carrying around his big yellow baseball bat and whacking things with it (poor Wyatt takes lots of abuse).

the fine art of keeping one's mouth shut

don't you just hate when something is sort of your business but really, to say anything aloud about it would be none of your business? an issue impacts you and everyone around you but it would be entirely out of line to speak up? being a person who dislikes making waves or calling any unnecessary attention to myself keeps the duct tape tightly sealed over my mouth.

i also know that even if a polite attempt was made at addressing the issue, it certainly wouldn't help. some people are just so defensive and unopen to constructive criticism that the situation would most certainly errupt into something rivaling mount vesuvius.

instead, a handful of people sit idly by, not saying a word and stewing. simmering, bubbling. we are all suffering at the selfishness of one person. we are not a calm and patient people. i hate this issue and i hate that it will get ugly sooner or later. i don't see any epiphanies happening in the near future that would change that.

this sucks. hmmmph.

McMom checking in

so after my last entry about needing to slim down and start making some healthier choices for myself, McMommy decided that a jaunt through the mcdonald's drive through was a great idea for lunch.

toddler was all over his cheeseburger. this is fabulous for me. he is not a meat eater. he eats hot dogs and those vile disgusting horrid things called vienna sausages. i can't ever get him to eat home cooked (or restaurant cooked) chicken, beef, pork, fish, anything. a couple of weeks ago my sister in law picked him up a happy meal and he did eat it pretty well which was what inspired today's attempt. he was so cute holding his sandwich like a big boy rather than having it broken up into smaller pieces. he also generously fed his last little bit of lunch to the dog when he was finished with it.

tonight we are eating vegetables and tomorrow, hopefully, it's back to either the gym or the walking trails to burn off my McFatAss.

peer pressure or vanity or fatty needs to slim down

i am going on a smallish vacation in september. okay, so it's a road trip to austin to spend the weekend with some girlfriends. however, cnhubby mc jiggly gut here needs to get on the ball to get into some better shape. my trip is my inspiration.

after not exercising at all during the month of June - due to extreme illness and out of twon guests, i am at square one again. when my husband has days off, i manage to get to the fitness center and get on a treadmill... most of the time. it's hard making myself go when i know i can't run like i used to. however, the last two days i have loaded toddler child into the car and taken him to our local city park.

he gets a nice shady ride in a big cooshy stroller while i swelter and sweat and burn about a jillion calories for at least 45 minutes while pushing him all around the walking trails through the park. yay me.

when i was so ill during June, i managed to lose seven pounds in one week. it's easy to do when everything down to the tiniest sip of water is puked up within minutes, and then you continue to puke even though nothing has been ingested into your body for 2 days...

here's hoping that by mid september i can lose at least 5 pounds. here's also hoping that i will keep myself going. toddler loves the park, so there is some benefit for him too. happy toddler equals happy mama.

when i met myhusband i wavered between 105 and 110 pounds. i wore a size 2 jeans. i fantacize about being that tiny and healthy again. i say healthy because back then i used to run at least a couple of miles every damn day. now i have the stretchmarked, foppy nasty post baby pouch on my stomach and i can't get rid of it. blah.

so to steal a sentiment from my friend Angie who recently had a weight loss blog entry, i need to make this my mantra now: run fat ass, run!

things are pretty damn good today

just some random musings here...

- it's amazing how an adrenaline rush can give you some freakish super human strength. when somebody is so incredibly out of shape as i am can out of nowhere do what i did last night, it's something. let's just say that everything turned out ok, but fear and motherly instinct can make a body capable of astonishing feats.

- my boys are both sleeping. my adorable husband has passed out on the couch and my precious toddler is sound asleep in his crib. it's so nice to have my husband home for a few hours duing daylight hours. even if he is passed out in a solid man nap.

- the kid is just getting smarter and smarter by the day. he makes me smile so much i feel like a damn goon. almost a year ago i was told he was very likely autistic and while i believed it, i was determined to not let it kidnap my baby into a silent world of no interaction with other people. now, he's charming. a flirt really. he knows how to get what he wants and he knows what buttons to push to get to momma or daddy's pushover side. he follows directions, he knows a few sign language signs, and he really does try to say words. and he makes his stuffed snoopy give his momma kisses, which is really the very best thing ever.

- two of my favorite people are still happy dating each other. yippee! in regards to their privacy, i am not saying anything else about them here. just that i am still happy for them, even though it seems really really weird to look at them as a couple instead of who they were as individuals in my life first.

- just over a month away is a BIG ASS girls' weekend. many friends from hither and yon are coming in to this gathering. i will be carpooling with a very very wise and funny woman. the car ride to the gathering and back should by itself make the whole weekend worthwhile. i am stoked and already planning what i am going to wear.

fuck off edouard

i am a desert rat through and through. the deepest darkest blackest depths of my corrupt soul are of the desert. i know and understand drought, blistering heat with no humidity, the monsoons at the end of summer...

now, in the south, i must contend with the threat of hurricanes along with other strange things like torrential rains that last for days, tornadoes, and humid air so thick it's practically suffocating.

within the last day or so tropical storm edouard has formed in the gulf of mexico and has a forecasted path that takes it pretty much right over my area. i am scared shitless. or rather, i am scared sick. my stomach has been in knots all day. i have that ulcer-y feeling eating away at my gut. i hate anything that can be classified as weather. hate it. HATE.

living in a trailer (mobile home) doesn't allow a worry wart desert rat like me any piece of mind. i fear the winds that might blow so hard they would damage our house. i fear winds that will cause one of the many large trees around our house to break and land on our roof. i fear being without electricity for days on end.

the anticipation is the worst. i wish it would just come on already. or else fall apart. all i really want to say is "fuck off, edouard."

is anybody out there?

i am not sure if anyone reads my blog yet or not. besides, you know...me. let's try this, shall we?

i saw this on somebody else's blog and decided to steal it. PLEASE play along.

1) As a comment on my blog, leave one memory that you and I had together. It doesn’t matter if you knew me a little or a lot, anything you remember.

2) Next, re-post these instructions on your blog and see how many people leave a memory about you. It’s actually pretty funny to see the responses. If you leave a memory about me, I’ll assume you’re playing the game and I’ll come to your blog and leave one about you. If you don’t want to play on your blog, or if you don’t have a blog, I’ll leave my memory of you in my comments.

how perfectly fitting

i came across this passage a few days ago. i think it's beautiful and articulates a goal that all of us as humans reach for.

I must learn to love the fool in me - the one who feels too much, talks too much, takes too many chances, wins sometimes and loses often, lacks self-control, loves and hates, hurts and gets hurt, promises and breaks promises, laughs and cries. It alone protects me against that utterly self-controlledmasterful tyrant whom i also harbor and who would rob me of human aliveness, humility, and dignity but for my fool.

it comes from Love Me, Love My Fool: Thoughts From A Psychoanalyst's Notebook by Theodore Isaac Rubin.

apology accepted or not

i recently saw an apology issued to some friends of mine by somebody that was seemingly long gone from their past. this person used, lied to and hurt many people. when somebody issues an apology, what should be done with it?

the mature and wonderfully ideal thing to do is accept it and move on and not let hurt feelings remain hurt. however in the real world where i live, i'm not so quick to let bygones be bygones. i guess i accept apologies but i am not so quick to simply forgive and forget.

i was apologized to recently. but it's for something that has happened many times. many times i have been apologized to. i accept these apologies and believe that hurting my feelings was never the intention. however, i WAS hurt. i have a problem getting passed this.

i don't think i am asking too much by wanting time after an apology to mull it over and allow my heart to heal. in any situation, it seems wrong and presumptuous of the apology maker to expect that just because they say the words "i am sorry" that they should be given a clean slate.

to be truely sorry and apologetic for a wrongdoing, whether intentional or not, one should be willing to accept that they may in fact not be forgiven. that's part of life. you just have to build a bridge and get your ass over it.

bite me

i am pissed. i am whiney. i am not suitable for public consumption or viewing. i am a bitch today. i want pity and i want flowers to miraculously be delivered to me from a certain person who ought to be kissing my ass instead chewing it out.

but whatever. i am exhausted. i am stressed out. i wants a full night's sleep. do you hear that, toddler? do you? did you know that your momma is much more fun and lovable when she gets enough sleep? no, he doesn't hear. he will probably be waking up crying several times a night until he starts kindergarten.

it's a gloomy rainy day. i feel it. all i want to do is shout and use my very favorite word which happens to be fuck. no, all i really want to do is sleep. but fuck that. i will drink coffe and diet coke all day. i will sit on the porch and smoke too many cigarettes and stew. i will NOT cook dinner and everyone else in the world besides my son can suck it.

it's past my bedtime and i'm eating cheezits

it's 10:41 pm. i am generally in bed before 10. i am a wuss. i can't rock the late nights anymore. it might have something to do with the fact that i have a toddler who generally wakes up by 6:30 or it may just be that the older i get, the more i relish, enjoy and simply long for sleep.

my beloved husband is working all night. again. he works in the "the oil field" and he works very long hours, sometimes a work "day" is as long as 30-36 hours long. when he is not going to be sleeping to the right of me, i force myself to stay up very late so that when i do go to bed i will fall asleep almost immediately. don't ask me why. it's just what i do.

so i'm home alone, sort of. the toddler is in bed. i have a book that i must read. it was lent to me about 2 weeks ago and i have only read a chapter of it. granted it's a short book but, i still haven't read much of it. it has been on my to-read list for a couple of years. you'd think i might take this opportunity to read. as the practically single parent of a toddler who rarely gets time to do such simple and pleasurable adult things as reading a book, i should be reading the damn book.

instead i am eating cheezits.

it's now 11:33 pm. much time has passed because around 35 minutes ago my brother damn near gave me a coronary by walking into my house. i don't know about you but when somebody unexpectedly enters my house late at night i tend to panic. thank god i didn't scream. that would have woken the small person and then i would have had to try to kick my big brother's ass which wouldn't be physically possible. it just would have ended up real ugly for me. brother is in a good mood, but won't spill any details about his new girlfriend. i doubt that i will get anything of my sister in law either. jerks. don't they know that i should be privvy to whatever details of their private lives that i desire? i kid. i love them both and respect their privacy. but i AM a nosey bitch and relish whatever lurid details they might share with me.

i think i need to go lay in bed and stuff my nose into the book i'm supposed to be reading so i can return it. i know as soon as i read a paragraph or maybe a page i'll be asleep. it's past my bedtime and i am done with the cheezits.

truely the nastiest shoes in the world

just yesterday i was searching images online on a quest to find the ugliest, most awful shoes known to mankind. i found a few here and there that i figured would be considered universally hideoous regardless of one's personal taste. however, the most offensive shoes i have ever seen or imagined exist right in my own home.

these shoes are called the "spider man shoes". i hate these shoes. i hate them with the white hot burning passion of 1001 suns. but they do a job that so far no other shoe has been able to toe the line for.

i have a 22 month old son. i call him sasquatch because he is enormous for his age. he is a pale pink chubby nearly hairless lovechild of big foot. sasquatch has very cute chubby toddler feet. the trouble is that they are so chubby that ordinary cute toddler summer shoes such as flip flops and various variations of them do not fit his foot. the spider man shoes were the only pair of sandal-esque type shoes i could find this past spring that were not outrageously spendy. they had to be easy on/off shoes that sasquatch could play in the yard in when we didn't want to mess with socks and his regualr tie-up sneakers.

the spider man shoes are vile. i hate character clothes, shoes, crap, whatever. my kid will not wear cartoon character stuff. sorry, it can be cute on other people's babies, but i hate it and will not put it on mine. it kills me that my kid has spider man shoes. they are so ugly. so let me finally describe them:

they are black foamy stuff. they have big ugly velcro straps that allow them to open and close over a very chubby pink toddler foot. and all over the sides of them they have these plastic puffy spiderman emblems on them. and the very worst part is that they stink. they stink like the shittest nastiest depths of hell. even if they get tossed in the washing machine with a load of clothes every single day, as soon as sasquatch has had them on his feet for 5 minutes, they will stink you out of a room.

it's awful to yell at one's husband to put his work boots outside on the porch because you think they are stinking up the house. it's even more awful when those work boots that get worn for 14+ hours a day in the texas heat in the oilfield smell less bad than a baby's summer sandals.

so while these may in fact be the stuff nightmares are made of, they are not the most horrible shoes ever seen. these are freaky, ugly ugly monstrosities, but they are not the worst. no readers, these are mild.

the spider man shoes from hell. be glad that these exist in my home and not yours. be very very glad.

Alas!

here it is 4 months later and i have not even revisited my own blog. i have such lofty expectations of myself and have become quite slothful.

so much has happened in my world since i intended to start back into this blogging thing. for starters, i was hospitalized for depression at the beginning of April. the depression and resulting stay at the funny farm were both the worst and best things that could have happened to me.

isn't horrible how hindsight is always perfect? looking back i can see that i had been struggling with depression for a very long time. it just hadn't ever completely taken over my life the way it slowly but surely did this past spring. i never realized how terribly i felt because it had been slow and so long since i had really felt good and like myself. anyhow, now with the help of modern chemisrty i am right as the rain on most days.

part of my problem is that i have super high expectations of myself. and pretty much the whole world. for whatever reason there is a really high standard i have set in my head and not being able to consistantly reach that nearly impossible bar sent my neurotically high strung perfectionista little self right over the edge. it's nice now being a little lazy, slower, accepting that nothing and nobody is perfect and doesn't need to be. life is much more enjoyable that way.

let it be

i always feel like i have so much to say until i sit down to write. i guess that's why i quit blogging before. there was too much to get out and no way to make words out of it.

the world goes around, and on, and i run after it trying desperately to find some connection most of the time. a song lyric or a line in a book or movie and can be perfect, fitting. however they're fleeting and gone just as quickly as they are noticed.