Sunday, July 20, 2008

truely the nastiest shoes in the world

just yesterday i was searching images online on a quest to find the ugliest, most awful shoes known to mankind. i found a few here and there that i figured would be considered universally hideoous regardless of one's personal taste. however, the most offensive shoes i have ever seen or imagined exist right in my own home.

these shoes are called the "spider man shoes". i hate these shoes. i hate them with the white hot burning passion of 1001 suns. but they do a job that so far no other shoe has been able to toe the line for.
i have a 22 month old son. i call him sasquatch because he is enormous for his age. he is a pale pink chubby nearly hairless lovechild of big foot. sasquatch has very cute chubby toddler feet. the trouble is that they are so chubby that ordinary cute toddler summer shoes such as flip flops and various variations of them do not fit his foot. the spider man shoes were the only pair of sandal-esque type shoes i could find this past spring that were not outrageously spendy. they had to be easy on/off shoes that sasquatch could play in the yard in when we didn't want to mess with socks and his regualr tie-up sneakers.

the spider man shoes are vile. i hate character clothes, shoes, crap, whatever. my kid will not wear cartoon character stuff. sorry, it can be cute on other people's babies, but i hate it and will not put it on mine. it kills me that my kid has spider man shoes. they are so ugly. so let me finally describe them:

they are black foamy stuff. they have big ugly velcro straps that allow them to open and close over a very chubby pink toddler foot. and all over the sides of them they have these plastic puffy spiderman emblems on them. and the very worst part is that they stink. they stink like the shittest nastiest depths of hell. even if they get tossed in the washing machine with a load of clothes every single day, as soon as sasquatch has had them on his feet for 5 minutes, they will stink you out of a room.

it's awful to yell at one's husband to put his work boots outside on the porch because you think they are stinking up the house. it's even more awful when those work boots that get worn for 14+ hours a day in the texas heat in the oilfield smell less bad than a baby's summer sandals.

so while these may in fact be the stuff nightmares are made of, they are not the most horrible shoes ever seen. these are freaky, ugly ugly monstrosities, but they are not the worst. no readers, these are mild.

the spider man shoes from hell. be glad that these exist in my home and not yours. be very very glad.

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