mother's day, part deux

so, after talking about my own child and my feelings on mothering my son i have been thinking and thinking about what i could say about my relationship with my mom. it's complicated. it's really really complicated.

the best thing i could think of to describe us is the relationship between Sidda and Vivi in the Yaya books. while my mother wasn't a privilaged socialite of a wife, the actual relationship is similar. i haven't reread any of the the Yaya books in a long time because they are just so painful for me to think about so i can't give any direct quotes. the pain, the hard work, the indescribable need to please a woman who seemed so impossible to please hits too close to home. and from ViVi Walker's position, it turns out that my mother has always been so proud of me but for some reason her own attempts at showing me love never got through very well.

my mom and i have been back and forth all over the map of emotions with each other since i reached adulthood and moved out of her home. to preserve some modicum of her privacy, i won't talk about any specifics here. what i can say is that right now things between us are good. they are nice. they are comfy... exactly the way one hopes for a relationship with her mother to be.

if somebody were to ask me what i loved most about my mom right this minute, i'd say it is watching her fall head over heels in love with and spoiling her grandson. it's so warm and fuzzy it's nearly sickening. watching my mom love my baby makes me yearn for the day when i have my own grandchildren to fall in love with.

one of my other favorite things about growing up ion my mom's world is all the fodder she has provided me and and my brother with. both or our black sarcastic hearts just love to make fun of some of the parental-type things she's said repeatedly over the years. whenever either one of us messes something up or breaks something, the other immediately says "CAN'T WE HAVE ANYTHING NICE AROUND HERE?!" and there's also "i do and do and do for you. can't you show any appreciation at all?" laughter abounds. my husband and i have a few that we throw out there that my mom said a bunch of times when my kid was a newborn. those are still pretty fresh and raw and are sometimes not met with laughter. the response tends to be more of a "shut up, baby. that's NOT EVEN funny."

and someday my sasquatch will be making fun of me. i just know it. it's the circle of life in the world of sarcastic assholes!

mom is planning on coming out sometime this summer. i am excited and anxious all at once. despite things being good between us right now, i am always edgy about it because i fear the atomic bomb dropping on what we have and taking us right back to one of the ugly awful places we have been in the past.

before parting, what i do have to say is that i have never doubted that i was loved by her. momw as dealt a really shitty hand and i know that she always put my brother and me first. she always did her very best for us and loved us the very best way she knew how. it hasn't always felt like that, but such is life, right? we're working on it. i love her and i can confidently say now that i know she loves me too. happy mother's day mom.

it's almost mother's day, part 1

since mother's day is looming near on the horizon, the reminders are everywhere. it's been making me think a lot about my course of motherhood. and so i am going to purge all that here, now.

even before we were married we were trying and desperately wanting to get pregnant. it took lots of heartache and stress to get me knocked up but it did eventually happen. and nine long months, almost 24 hours of labor and an emergency c-section later my gorgeous baby boy was born. he came into this world with his big bright blue eyes taking everything in and was the most beautiful thing i had ever laid eyes on.

the funny thing was that as bad as i wanted to start a family with my husband, i had no idea what to do with a baby. in all my years i'd probably only held a baby two or three times. i'd never changed a diaper. i'd never fed a bottle or rocked anyone to sleep. and more than anything, i had no idea how to calm a crying baby down.

and i still don't know what i am doing. i can't lie, it's been the hardest two and a half years of my life. there's been plenty of times that i was ready to throw in the towel and have wondered how simple it would be to run away from the struggle and never look back. i still don't know what i am doing, but that's ok. i love what i am doing. it doesn't matter that i may not be the best mother in the world. i am trying. a very very dear friend of mine, Adrienne, has told me that as long as you love your kids and do your best you are the best mother in their world. she is right.

i have also come to realize that as the mother of a child who doesn't fall into the averages and "rules" of how kids are supposed to learn and when they are supposed to do things, every little step forward is that much more special. i don't take anything for granted. i also don't focus anymore on what he can't do yet. it's not worth it. he is so amazingly funny and cute and sweet and stubborn. my child is so well behaved in public that complete strangers frequently compliment me. that's what i focus on. i don't know what i am doing, but i love doing it.

musings

- i want another tattoo. i want a line from the john keats poem Ode on Melancholy. it will say 'glut thy sorrows on a morning rose' and maybe have a small little flower. i would like it to be on the inside of one of my wrists. i'm just not sure i'm ready to get inked in such a conspicuous spot yet.

- my kid won't stop throwing things. i am at my wit's end and have turned to alcohol. two days in a row now. before lunchtime. i've tried slapping his hand as soon as he has thrown something. i've tried giving him a spank on the behind. i've tried time outs. i've tried lectures. i've tried ignoring it thinking that if the behavior didn't get attention it would stop. but, the little booger continues to throw things. it doesn't matter what, if he has it in his hand and he gets the urge, it becomes a projectile. short of handcuffing him or boxing gloves so that he can't pick anything up, how do i stop it? my liver thanks anyone for any suggestions.

- i am pissed at my Wii fit. don't get me wrong, i love it. i really enjoy it. what i don't love is that i have been on that thing for at least 45 minutes every day (doing aerobic exercise that causes me to sweat and short of breath) for almost a month now and i have not lost any weight. my ass is still the size of a tug boat.

again with the lapse...

yeah, yeah. so it's been a while again. i had the plague or the monkey flu or the swine pox or something. the doctor said it was just bronchitis but i seriously think it was more than that. you know how those doctor types are. all that schooling and volumes upon volumes of knowledge, and they try to appease me by telling me i simply have something boring like bronchitis. whatever. anyhow, both the boy and i recovered and his antibiotics are almost finished. FINALLY.

i've been feeling really domestic again lately. i've been just itching to bake and sew and do homemaking things like that. however, my fat ass doesn't need any more sweets, nevermind that i baked a pan of from scratch brownies last night at 9:30 and we no longer have anyplace to buy fabric here in the hicksticks. so, my mind is left to wander and imagine all the things i'd love to make.

i want a pancake puffer pan. no. scratch that. i DESPERATELY want a pancake puffer pan. you know the one i'm talking about. it's on infomercials and in the "as seen on tv" sections in stores and on the net. my seven year old neice also deserately wants me to have one. do you know what kind of beautiful awesome delectable yummies i could create with it? ok, you're right. with my track record i peobably couldn't do anything spectacular with it. but i wanna try. i want to make pancakes filled with pudding or frosting. i want to make brownie puffs and blueberry muffin puffs. oh, the possibilities are numerous and maybe endless.

now, things are about to get really ugly because i am going to grovel and beg so if you don't like that sort of thing, click away now.

what stands in my way? i won't go and buy my own pancake puffer pan. and, so far nobody has bought one for me. what gives? do you love me? well, do you even like me a little bit? won't you please buy me a pancake puffer pan? i promise i will share my bounty of goods created as a result of my owning the thing with you. please?

look, here it is---> http://www.as-seen-on-tv-products.ws/store/pancake-puffs-p-1674.html

hello snarkies.

geez louise, time flies when life comes flying at you like a 1990 buick that slams into the side of your car as he makes an illegal left turn out of KFC. well, okay, time doesn't really fly quite like that, but it does seem to pass rather quickly these days.

in the last month and change i have been in a wreck. had the car totaled out. been with my husband through four rounds of layoffs at his job in which he has survived each one - thanks universe. been to Arizona and watched one of my oldest friends get married. and had a big fat limb fall out of the sky and onto my home.

and we got a dog.

he is a boxer. his name is Charlie, officially. i named him that but i never call him that. so far he's been:
charles
charles barkley
sir charles
charles dickens
charlie and the chocolate factory
charlie brown
charlie manson
charlie chaplin
charlie sheen
chuck
chuckles
chuck norris
chuck berry
two buck chuck
and
hey asshole

you get the picture. anyhow, he all cute and funny and chatty like boxers tend to be. he is a crazed lunatic and my kid has a love/hate relationship with him. and i think i do too.

see, i like dogs just like i like kids. i don't like babies. and i don't like puppies. this little booger is trying my every last nerve. but each day he takes two steps forward and only one back so progress is happening.

i'm thinking about buying him some breath-right strips though. i don't know how this giant little guy can possibly snore so freaking loud. unbelievable. i have been near him and his snoring while on the phone and the people on the other end of my conversation can hear him over the phone...

oh good god.

what the heck is that about?

awww, fuck it. who am i kidding? it doesn't matter because stupid fools are always gonna be all sad and pitiful. heh. so if you are a pissy-cheerioes eater, just know that i pity you and your sadness. i hope things shape up for you soon.

hello darlin'. nice to see you.

it's been a long time...

oops. i never intended to go this long without posting here. what's new?

i now have some super gothy black hair. the box of hair color said dark brown. hence i wanted a darker brown than i already had. not black. brown. c'est la vie, i suppose. it doesn't bother me too much, i mean, it's not like i can look at myself and think critical thoughts all day long. i have other stuff to do. the only reason i am concerned is because i am going to be a bridesmaid in 2 weeks. she is not expecting gothy mcbridesmaid to make an appearance.

let's see. what else?
oh yeah. drunk people who are flaming idiots should not throw stones when they live in glass houses. in other words don't call me an asshole for something that happened last week when you weren't adult enough to ask about it then. especially when the whole ordeal had absolutely NOTHING to do with you. or maybe you were too drunk to notice. so just mind your business and sober the fuck up. and oh yeah, mall bangs went out a couple of decades ago.

ok, back to acting my age now. except now i can't think of anything else to say. haha, bummer.