so, after talking about my own child and my feelings on mothering my son i have been thinking and thinking about what i could say about my relationship with my mom. it's complicated. it's really really complicated.
the best thing i could think of to describe us is the relationship between Sidda and Vivi in the Yaya books. while my mother wasn't a privilaged socialite of a wife, the actual relationship is similar. i haven't reread any of the the Yaya books in a long time because they are just so painful for me to think about so i can't give any direct quotes. the pain, the hard work, the indescribable need to please a woman who seemed so impossible to please hits too close to home. and from ViVi Walker's position, it turns out that my mother has always been so proud of me but for some reason her own attempts at showing me love never got through very well.
my mom and i have been back and forth all over the map of emotions with each other since i reached adulthood and moved out of her home. to preserve some modicum of her privacy, i won't talk about any specifics here. what i can say is that right now things between us are good. they are nice. they are comfy... exactly the way one hopes for a relationship with her mother to be.
if somebody were to ask me what i loved most about my mom right this minute, i'd say it is watching her fall head over heels in love with and spoiling her grandson. it's so warm and fuzzy it's nearly sickening. watching my mom love my baby makes me yearn for the day when i have my own grandchildren to fall in love with.
one of my other favorite things about growing up ion my mom's world is all the fodder she has provided me and and my brother with. both or our black sarcastic hearts just love to make fun of some of the parental-type things she's said repeatedly over the years. whenever either one of us messes something up or breaks something, the other immediately says "CAN'T WE HAVE ANYTHING NICE AROUND HERE?!" and there's also "i do and do and do for you. can't you show any appreciation at all?" laughter abounds. my husband and i have a few that we throw out there that my mom said a bunch of times when my kid was a newborn. those are still pretty fresh and raw and are sometimes not met with laughter. the response tends to be more of a "shut up, baby. that's NOT EVEN funny."
and someday my sasquatch will be making fun of me. i just know it. it's the circle of life in the world of sarcastic assholes!
mom is planning on coming out sometime this summer. i am excited and anxious all at once. despite things being good between us right now, i am always edgy about it because i fear the atomic bomb dropping on what we have and taking us right back to one of the ugly awful places we have been in the past.
before parting, what i do have to say is that i have never doubted that i was loved by her. momw as dealt a really shitty hand and i know that she always put my brother and me first. she always did her very best for us and loved us the very best way she knew how. it hasn't always felt like that, but such is life, right? we're working on it. i love her and i can confidently say now that i know she loves me too. happy mother's day mom.