where's my mid-30s discount, dammit?

gahhh! my husband's birthday is tuesday. it just hit me yesterday. he can't possibly be turning 33. he just can't.


and why not? (this is what you may be asking yourself now)

because it means there is only 6.5 months until i turn 33. that is mid-30s. i don't want to be in my mid-30s. in fact, i don't want to get any older at all. i'm good, right where i'm at and i'd like to keep it this way.

older means more gray hairs. yeah. more. i started finding a random silver strand way back in my mid-20s. i deemed it a fluke of nature, would pull it out and carry on. now, i have a bunch. a BUNCH? really? how can that be? kids don't get gray hair. old folks get gray hair. i am still a kid. luckily i still get told all the time that i have a very young face but in the past few years i have stopped getting carded for alcohol and smokes. my ego hurts a little.

older to me means more sickness. more aches. more pains. longer time needed to heal. we all know what a sickly little thing i am now and it has only gotten worse and i don't see that trend turning around any time soon. i exercise. i take my flintstones vitamins. i wear my seatbelt and sunscreen. however, all that considered, by the time i reach middle age, i will be a complete basket case. i'll be hot roding around the Mart on my hovaround and yelling at more able-bodied folks to get the hell out of my way. i don't really want to be that lady.

older also means my kid gets older. scary thought. i prefer him this age and this size. he's portable without baby gear and is still happy to be seen in public holding mommy's hand. in fact he nearly tackles me if we get out of the car in a parking lot and don't grab his hand quick enough to please him. he knows he better be white-knuckling me in a parking lot.

so i go out today to get my darling husband a birthday present. we don't usually exchange big or meaningful gifts. if we do anything he might get me flowers delivered to my job or i will find something i know he will find funny and give him that. i went to Hooters. the last time i was there with him we saw a tee shirt that had a funny thing printed on it that happened to be funny pretty much only because he has said it at least a million times himself. it was tacky as hell and right up our alley.

i guess older also means that even as uptight and neurotic as i can be, i am becoming more and more laid back and at peace with the world as a whole. ten years ago i would have scoffed at going to hooters, to eat or to shop for a birthday present. even as a joke. ten years ago, a lot was different. so much so that i feel younger now than i did when i was 22 or 23.

does wisdom come with age? hmmmm. does life experience equal wisdom? no, not exactly. am i any wiser? probably not. so it goes. pretty soon i'll be so old and senile i won't know the difference anyway and how bad could that be?

trying to find a place of peace

i didn't get either one of the jobs i interviewed for. one of the crapfalls of living out in a small rural community is that work opportunities are hard to find.

i had a long stressful day at work. without thinking, i sat and talked, with my guard down, to a co-worker that is known for being a snitch. i can't help but wonder what price i will pay for that. my crew was also bouncing off the walls today. i suppose it was due to all the nervous energy about school starting monday. i didn't leave until after 7 PM and i still wasn't done cleaning the room up.

my sasquatch got hit in the eye with one of those little rubber high-bouncey balls. he may wake up in the morning with a bit of a black eye. he also fell off a "porch" or small landing in front of my classroom at the daycare. he re-opened and added to a bad scrape/bruise injury he got two nights ago on the patio at Mimi's house.

thanks to the "big blue screw" this is the second night in a row that my darling husband is stuck in Angleton and not here.

my body aches. my head is throbbing and my sinuses are screaming. i have a to-do list a mile long for this weekend. i need a break.

and i need to make peace with all of that. it's a struggle and right this minute i am not sure if i am winning or losing. but fuck it. i'm tired. no, i am draggin-ass-exhauted. one more drink, one more smoke, and bed for me. sleep will most definitely make everything easier to handle in the morning.

dread. me. full up.

tomorrow is the last day of summer. my scheduled got fucked over a few weeks back but at least i did have several hours with my crew everyday before we were filled to capacity with three and four year olds. i loved those several hours.

monday they go back to school and that means that until about 3:20, my days will be spent being bounced from one classroom full of very young children to another. i hate that. it's almost easier however going from one class to the next than staying with one group because that way i get to escape and start over every hour. however, that also means i am usually with each group as they finish their lunch and have to go get settled into naptime.

have you ever tried to get 11 toddlers to lay down on kinder-mats and go to sleep simultaneously? not a picnic. not even close. however, i do have to admit that the feeling of accomplishment once they are all out cold is one of exponential awesomeness. never ever does sitting down and a big fat, yet quiet, sigh feel so damn good.

this year, as most of our kids will be coming back for after-school care, my crew will be close to 20 with JUST kids that are in kindergarten and older. wow. that does mean that very few if any younger children will be tossed into the mix which is a big relief.

mostly i am just really hating my boss. and the director. i am sick to death of passive-aggression and way they glare and constantly look for a few of us to mess up while others are allowed to break as many rules as they want right under their noses. it's frustrating and degrading. i am sick of treated like a lower class employee because my kids are "just the after-schoolers". as if they aren't worthy of the time and consideration that they want to give the younger ones. uggh.

the job i interviewed for last friday has not been filled yet. i called this morning to ask and was told they are still interviewing. so, at least i am not completely out of the running, however i think that if i had made a great impression they would have decided to hire me by now. after all, school starts monday.

limbo. i'm in it. my mind keeps comparing this current job to Dante's Inferno. haha. that by itself amuses me. i was just thinking i could use a Beatrice to help give me direction. and you know what? my beloved gramma's name was Beatrice. she passed away when i was 18. in all those years, i never saw her make a hasty judgment. she was always calm and so pleasant. i sure could use some of that right now.

or a winning lottery ticket. because nothing would make me happier right now than to call up my boss and tell her to take this job and shove it. i ain't workin' here no more.

more flowers because they make me smile

flora in the trainerhood

my first iris to open up in the flower bed this past spring.

don't know what these are, but this is my husband's grandmother's birth bath.

i believe these are some kind of rose. i just liked the contrast of the stark white flowers against the dark mulchy background.

ahhhh, the dollar tree. a dangerous place

this summer at daycare land, with my "after-schollers", i started a new behavior and rewards system. there is a big chart and everyone's name has a row. each row has ten stickers in the behavior column and then an extra section for "bonus" stickers on the lagniappe side. lagniappe stickers are given when i notice somebody doing a good deed. or somebody who is remembering manners and just doing a good job at not being a howler monkey on crack. some kids rack up tons of these stickers and some can hardly earn any. so goes it.

as for the beahvior side, each child starts each week with a full row of ten stickers. every time a kid gets a time out, they lose one. if they have all ten stickers at the end of the week, they get to pick a prize from the treasure chest. if they have at least eight stickers left by the end of the week, they can go on our thursday or friday field trip.

it has worked well. and now i am down to the last week of their summer vacations. friday they are going to a putt-putt and money-suck park for pizza, golf and video games. if you know me from back home, the place looks like it will be similar to Golf 'n' Stuff. so, wednesday or thursday we are going to have Bonus Bucks Mart.

all through the summer i've picked up a lot of little stuff for prizes at dollar stores, the buck spot at target, and i've made a few things as well. however many lagniappe stickers each kid has, that is how many bonus bucks they will get to spend at our Mart. i will decide how many bucks each item is worth and they can shop their hearts out.

i went for one last foray into the Dollar Tree this morning for bonus buck items. i only spent about twenty dollars but i could have spent several times that. i bought coloring posters, mini-purses, hot wheels, puzzles, watches, 3D wooden dinosaur skeleton things (no idea what to call them but they look pretty cool), dry erase marker boards, spongebob and batman notebooks and pens, a couple random shark toys, and two checkers games.

i do so love dollar tree. so many other dollar stores are purely crap. or they are disgusting and not someplace you would even want to set foot in, let alone buy anything. dollar tree never fails to deliver. as somebody who loves a bargain and somebody who loves to shop, there is nothing quite like getting a whole buggy of junk you didn't know you even needed or wanted for pocket change.

wow, what a year

it's been a year. a whole year since i posted anything here.

why am i back? i got the tiniest bit of inspiration from an old friend who just found me on facebook. it was mentioned that said person had read some of this blog and voila! here i am, back again.

i read back over most of my thoughts here over and i was a bit disappointed in myself for not finding the time to keep this up. it's not that i didn't have stuff to say. i guess many times i felt too tired. too busy. too overwhelmed with my thoughts to even put them into words.

so what now? i feel like i'm at a crossroads again. i still love the daycare job. no. scratch that. i love my kids. MY class. i adore all the kids but i was not engineered to be in charge of 15-18 three year olds. there is no structure and the children that are wont to misbehave know that regardless of what they do, there is no real consequence due to our management. sad, huh? the owner and director of the daycare are not supportive and there are many things that happen there that i disagree with including a heap more work added to my day with no increase to my minimum wage paycheck. OUCH!

a few weeks ago i applied for a couple of positions with our local school district. i interviewed last week for one that i thought went incredibly well. i was called two days later and told that i was an extremely close second and the candidate they hired was chosen because he or she had experience at the position that i lacked. this hit me hard. very hard. for several days all i could think about was a stupid "no fear" tee shirt that i used to see dumbass jocks wearing: second place is first loser. i felt like second place was the worst place to be. i had set my hopes so high that accepting the bad news was sickening.

earlier this week i received a call reagrding the other position i applied for. i interview in the morning. i am excited and nervous but i am going in with the idea that this may again turn out like last. i know i have a lot to offer, but somebody else may have more. and i will make the best of things, whatever will be will be. plus, before the acceptance of a new job i need to know that pay will be enough better that we can make it with me only working 9 months of the year.


in other news, all my exercising and working to get healthier and thinner have finally paid off in the last year. since the beginning of 2010 i have lost about 20 pounds. the last 5 or so pounds that i'd like to lose don't seem to want to budge, but that's no surprise. i am back to the clothes size i was before i got pregnant. YAY! and i have muscle tone, again. however there is still a lot of jiggle in my wiggle. if i were to get the job i interview for tomorrow, i'd have more time to do what i really love in terms of physical activity: run. i could actually really run. outside. no more Wii Fit running everyday in my living room. i crave that.

my beautiful boy is getting smarter and is sailing right along in his language and speech and grasp of the world in general. he was tested this spring to see if he qualified for any of the pre-k special services offered in our school system and he tested too high. barely, but still. wow. win! he turns four this fall.

enough for now. i have to pick out what i am wearing to interview in the morning and get myself to bed. it's was a long and busy day. so if there is anyone out there still checking in here and reading, please wish me luck in the morning. please and thank-you!