it's almost mother's day, part 1

since mother's day is looming near on the horizon, the reminders are everywhere. it's been making me think a lot about my course of motherhood. and so i am going to purge all that here, now.

even before we were married we were trying and desperately wanting to get pregnant. it took lots of heartache and stress to get me knocked up but it did eventually happen. and nine long months, almost 24 hours of labor and an emergency c-section later my gorgeous baby boy was born. he came into this world with his big bright blue eyes taking everything in and was the most beautiful thing i had ever laid eyes on.

the funny thing was that as bad as i wanted to start a family with my husband, i had no idea what to do with a baby. in all my years i'd probably only held a baby two or three times. i'd never changed a diaper. i'd never fed a bottle or rocked anyone to sleep. and more than anything, i had no idea how to calm a crying baby down.

and i still don't know what i am doing. i can't lie, it's been the hardest two and a half years of my life. there's been plenty of times that i was ready to throw in the towel and have wondered how simple it would be to run away from the struggle and never look back. i still don't know what i am doing, but that's ok. i love what i am doing. it doesn't matter that i may not be the best mother in the world. i am trying. a very very dear friend of mine, Adrienne, has told me that as long as you love your kids and do your best you are the best mother in their world. she is right.

i have also come to realize that as the mother of a child who doesn't fall into the averages and "rules" of how kids are supposed to learn and when they are supposed to do things, every little step forward is that much more special. i don't take anything for granted. i also don't focus anymore on what he can't do yet. it's not worth it. he is so amazingly funny and cute and sweet and stubborn. my child is so well behaved in public that complete strangers frequently compliment me. that's what i focus on. i don't know what i am doing, but i love doing it.