hey look it's me!

in case you aren't paying close attention, please note that i have finally added a photo of myself and my darling boy to the blog. look it's right over there on the right hand side. yeah, for the record, i almost always have sunglasses on if i am awake. even when i am inside all day and haven't been outside, chances are i will have sunglasses on my head as a headband.

i love the picture. it was taken by my friend Rhonda Tolar who does beautiful photography. she recently came by my place to take a bunch of pictures of my son for us and they all came out wonderfully. if you are in louisiana or eastern texas and you need a photographer, get in touch with her and see if you can't strike up a deal. you won't be sorry.

i need a christmas sherpa

i am feeling so festive this year. for the first time in ages i am EXCITED about christmas. i want my tree and deorations up. NOW.

i have a problem, however. i hate the actual decorating. i hate dragging the boxes in out of the shed... and praying there are no snakes or mice in it. i hate unpacking it all. i hate putting the tree together. and most of all, i hate putting the lights and ornaments on the tree. don't get me wrong, i love them once they are up. i just can not stand getting it all put up.

a christmas sherpa would be sublime. somebody to come in and assist while looking out for my best interest while putting up my decorations. that would free me up for my favorite two holiday activities of baking and wrapping gifts.

where might i find my very own sherpa?

thanksgiving: so welcome this year

alas friends, it is a day of giving thanks. why do we only dedicate one day a year to this? in a world where times are getting tougher for nearly everyone, it is my opinion that we should spend more time being appreciative of the joys we DO have in our daily lives.

i am up. it's early. why am i up? because my perfectly unperfect child woke me up at 5:30. again. but i was so happy to hear his happy chattering through the baby monitor. we tried for a long time to get pregnant and i had all but given up on ever having a child. the weeks before i found out i was pregnant and the few weeks following were incredibly difficult for my family. one of my nephews who was born with very serious health problems passed away after living his entire life in NICU. and then my husband's dog, who was a beloved member of our family passed away. i have also been told that i will probably not be able to get pregnant again. my child is a blessing and through all the heartache and struggle with him, he is a gem. i could not possibly love another human being any more than i love him.

my husband. he has saved my life. he has saved me from myself. he makes me laugh and challenges me with our head-butting stubbornness every single day. he is, in the truest sense of the phrase, my other half. so cliche, but i have to say he truly completes me.

my brother. my beloved big brother. i love you so much. i am so proud of you for holding your head up and charging through the last few years with your head up and managing to land now in your wonderful new house. you are my hero and i know we don't say shit like that enough but i mean it. i just wish you could be here with us on this feasting day. i was listening to Alice's restaurant already this morning and i thought if you and how much fun you would be sitting on the group W bench.

my extended family. wonderful folks. strong hardworking people who would give you the shirt off their back and the food on their plates. i love that we are having a BBQ today rather than the traditional thanksgiving meal.

we have a roof over our heads, that didn't get destroyed in the latest hurricane. we have food. we pay our bills (mostly on time, haha) and we get by. my husband works himself to the bone to provide for us and do us right.

i have friends that tickle my funny bone everyday. i have friends that get me and accept me for my shortcomings and celebrate my strengths with me. i have friends that have been through similar issues with their kids, friends that even though they have no kids, always know the right answers, friends who are old enough to be my mother. friends who fall into every category across the spectrum. they are all far away, but i hope they know i love them.

i am so lucky. and i am so thankful. it's been a hell of a year since last thanksgiving. but i am here. i feel GOOD. i am living again and celebrating the simpleness of my life and lavishing in it. please take time today to reflect on your own life. tell the ones closest to you that you love them. just. be. greatful.

now if you will excuse me, i need to get to the shower and start getting ready for a day of laughs, drinking, eating, and giving thanks with most of the people i love best in this world. those that aren't with me, know that you are in my thoughts today.

getting caught up in a moment and regret

did you ever say something to somebody when you were caught up in a mment and the realize later that it was a lie? then you feel like hammered shit because 1) you know you have been dishonest and 2) because you will have to tell them that you didn't really mean what you said and thus hurting them.

crap.

i hate that i lead this person to believe something. i also hate that i allowed myself to get caught up in a little warm fuzzy moment and say things that weren't entirely true. what i hate the most is that the other person in this scenario is a really decent person who hasn't ever done anything wrong by be.

crap.

has it been that long?

time flies, no? many thoughts, so today you get a 'musings' post.

- it has rained a shocking amount here in the last 2 days. we litterally have 3-5 inches of standing water over most of our front yard and land behind the house. i love hearing the rain, but damn! our ditches are already full, the groud is obviously completely saturated, we have a lake now. if the rain continues i don't think i will even be able to get my little roller skate of a car out of the driveway!

- my husband killed a deer! hunting season started on november 1st and this was his first time ever being on a deer lease. he built his deer stand this past summer and got it out there. three days before hunting season started, wild hogs knocked over and destroyed his feeder and he was devastated. however, a new one was put up immediately. so the other morning just as he was deciding to call it a day in the stand, he saw this beautiful doe wander near his stand. he shot her, tagged her, and brought her home.

we cleaned and gutted and butchered the deer ourselves. this was of course all brand new to me. i was fascinated, because i am an anatomy dork. the meat all sat on ice for a couple of days to get the remaining blood out and last night we and my in laws feasted on back strap, red beans, and mashed potatoes. yummmmmm.

- christmas shopping is going fabulously well. for once i actually have ideas for EVERY. FREAKING. ONE on my list and many of the gifts have been purchased or ordered. wait, except for my brother. dammit. i love him to death but i have no clue what to get him. he is hard to shop for. are you reading this brother? you are hard to shop for. give me some ideas that won't break me, please!

- don't lie to me. don't lie to my friends. i had a sick feeling on my heart/gut recently because somebody that i thought was a trustworthy person denied denied denied that she was aware of a situation that everyone else was seriously stressing about. not cool. in my book, that's a lie and she intentionally allowed people to worry for no reason. this makes me sad.

on melancholy mixed with nostalgia

as a friend of mine frequently says, le sigh. that is exactly how i feel right now. excuse me while i lecture myself.

don't ever wonder what might have been. just don't. life is what it is. all wondering does is wake up a bunch of old thoughts that have been long since put to bed and burried.

now snap out of it, dammit.

le sigh....

usually i kinda dread the holiday season

lots of really crappy holidays behind me paired with the fact that i hate trying to come up with appropriate gifts for people make me want to hide out from november until january. and of course money is a HUGE issue this year also.

but something is different now. i already have a good jump start on my holiday gift shopping. i have bene trying to buy a little bit along the way for a while now so that we aren't hit in the wallet all at once in december. and, i have heard several friends either tell me or i've read in their blogs that they are stoked about the holiday season being upon us. and let me tell ya, that cheer has worn off on me. it makes me feel a little woozy.

for thanksgiving my family is having a barbeque. yes, forget turkey and dressing. my awesome family is going to barbeque and have potato salad and baked beans and my sister in law's wonderful home made mac and cheese that nobody can ever duplicate. personally, i think she bakes crack in it, but probably not. we'll eat brisket and ribs and drink beer. and we will give thanks.

hell yes. my mind is finally in a really good and sound place. this year thanksgiving feels really special to me. it's been one hell of a year, and i stress hell. between the hospital and what lead up to it, the hurricane, finances, and all the joys stresses of my angelic little monster i have never felt more greatful and appreciative of what i really have.

and for Christmas - the whole huge extended family will be here at the compoond. that is another thing i am really thankful for. it means that we won't have to travel and especially that my husband's grandma is going to love having everyone together at once. we'll do a big traditional meal with baked turkey, deep fried turkey, ham, chicken and dumplings, all the sides, and countless pies because we do so love us some pie.

so apparently bah-humbug-halfy will not be joining the festivities this year. it's gonna be tiny tim halfy. bet you're getting scared, aren't you?