food for thought

what would you say?

"somebody gave me this phone. she said i could talk to god but i don't know what to say. i want you to have it."

andy warhol to jim morrison in the movie the Doors

if you a direct phone line to god or the diety of your choice, what would you say or ask? would you even take advantage of such a thing?

film genius, musical genius, psychotic drugged poet

i love the music of the doors. i love the oliver stone film about them. i love jim morrison's writing - his poetry and his lyrics.

both the film and the music of the doors takes me back to a place in my life where i was desperate. it was a desperation for change, for control, for wanting to be noticed and wanting to fit in within a crowd at the same time. i was a freshman at the University of Arizona at that time. i am not sure when the film came out, but it was either 1996 or 1997 when i finally saw it.

my soul was tortured and morrison's words resonated with me. they made sense and i felt them. i drank too much and ended up giving myself ulcer's from my stress and worry.

i have since grown up. i have grown old. ok, so i am only 30 now, but i am world's away from where i was then. many days i feel like a very old soul. listening to, watching, reliving the doors is comforting. sure, it reminds me of my own pain at that time. however, it also makes me nostalgic. it reminds me of long late summer nights with friends. parties. the college experience. drugs. the words and notes remind me of trying to figure who i really was. i was still basking in the glory of being a highschool superstar. furiously working towards a career goal that has long since been deserted.

i don't know what it is about jim morrison and the doors. morrison walked a fine line between genius artist and completely fucked up lunatic. i guess everyone's baggage pros and cons.

saturday morning haiku

headache pounding brain
needs strong coffee IV stat
evil addiction

yeah. about that. i really do seem to have quite the caffeine problem anymore. when i wake up in the morning with a splitting headache because i haven't had any caffeine in my system since 4:30 the previous afternoon, that may be a asign to start cutting back.

i love my coffee. i love my diet coke. it hurts my heart (and head) to think of having less of them in my life. let us share a moment of silence.

who am i kidding? i won't be cutting back. just living with more shame about my addiction taht at times rules and steers my life like an astrological phenomenon.

how much sense does this make?

none. i will just tell you that the answer is that it makes no damn sense whatsoever.

the big scary tree that lives, grows, exists, and terrorizes me right behind our house was damaged in hurricane Rita in 2005. it wasn't bad damage, but it was damaged. it got even more damage in last month's hurricane ike. there are several ginormous branches that are broken or nearly broken but are stuck, hung up or dangling in the other foilage on the tree.

this poor old losing its beauty oak tree needs to be professionally removed. every time the wind blows i fear that part or all of the tree is going to land on my roof and therefore crush my happy little aluminum trailer house.

finally, over a month after the last hurricane, Texas Farm Bureau Insurance company sent their inspectors out to assess our damage and see what they could help with. sure, we have damged fence lines. the skirting around the bottom of the house is about 90% wrecked or gone completely. the back door won't even close and we have tape, yes tape, sealing bugs out around the edge of the door. and the whole house is very unlevel. everything in our fridge and freezer was ruined. we will probably receive money to help with all that.

but do you know what? until that big ass tree that looms over our roof actually falls and does damage to our structure, they can't do a damn thing about it. now again, how much sense does that make? it is a big threat to our home. it would cost much less for them to help with the cost of hiring tree guys than it will to oh... let's say replace a whole entire house and its contents when the tree crushes our house like an empty beer can.

fuck. here's hoping that the estimate for all of our other damage will pay for getting the tree removed. i couldn't care less about the bent fence on the back of the back forty. i am sure we can salvage some of our skirting ourselves also. just get the thorn in my side, or rather the tree looming over us like a black rain cloud, gone.

the very best things in life

fair readers, let me warn you all that today's blog is a little warm and fuzzy. it may even boarder on being a bit sickening to some of you that are rather used to my potty mouth and sarcasm. if you are prepared, read on. if not, try again in a few days and i may have something else to talk about by then.

i am a bit of a germ-o-phobe. before having a kid, the mere thought of a petting zoo grossed me out. how on earth could somebody go in there, touch animals, feed animals and not wash their hands with hot soapy water upon exiting? i mean really.

considering that we live in a rural part of the world and this week is the week of the annual county fair event, we had to go naturally. it's not called a fair but an exposition TVE actually). there is a carnival, but it's not large. there is an exhibition hall, but it's mostly just local candidates trying to smile and wave at the most people. there is fried food booths, but mostly it's barbequed meats that folks buy. and the main reason people go is the animals.

it seems to me that a majority of the kids in this area are involved in 4H or FFA. kids out here know how to raise animals. they know how to care for livestock. 40 pound 6 year old girls show cattle that out weigh their entire families. so we took our kid to go see the animals.

i was afraid that he wouldn't care. he is indifferent yet to so many things on account of the fact that he is only 2 and is still quite unsure of the world. however, right inside the entrance to the TVE is the petting zoo and pony rides. it was raining so the pony rides were out. DAMN. i so wanted him to ride a pony. i never got to do a pony ride as a child and i really needed him to do it so i could live vicariously through him. anyhow, all of the ponies from the pony ride were in the tent with the rest of the petting zoo animals. i paid my fifty cents for a cup of "feed" and took the little man in.

the next few minutes filled me with so much pride and simple unadulterated joy, i could have cried. my baby loved feeding the animals. he was so gentle and interested in them. he didn't spaz and freak out. he didn't whack any of the animals with his kung fu chops. he didn't scream. he was amazing. i was so proud of him and surprised that he enjoyed it so much that i forgot about my germmy animal issues and i began feeding the goats and sheep and ponies right out of the palm of my hand as well. and it was really damn fun. it was a perfect few minutes shared between us and it was even more perfect when i looked up to make sure my husband was watching our son and i could see the pride and happiness in his face as well.

we eventually got around to touring the livestock barns and looking at all the cattle, sheep, pigs, goats, chickens and rabbits that were to be shown at this year's expo. seeing a kid light up with excitement and wonder at new sights, smells and sounds is great. i just hope he keeps that interest in animals and when he gets big enough we can keep some pigs or goats and learn all about raising them.

a most unglamourous morning

those that know me know that i don't wear make-up. i don't fix my hair any special way. i am not a fashion maven. however, this morning made my normal appearance look as though i had just hopped out of the pages of a trendy magazine.

last night the giant toddler got sick. right at bedtime he started a sad little cough. by 11 pm, he had woken himself up with coughing and crying a couple of times. it went downhill from there.

he couldn't lay down without coughing. i finally gave in and accepted that he needed rest and if he didn't get it, neither of us would. so i sat up on the couch holding him all night so he could be somewhat upright.

by the time 5 am rolled around and very little sleep by me, we were a mess. i had baby drool and snot all over my shirt. my hair was a ratty mess, my glasses bent. my boy had peed so much in his sleep that his diaper leaked all over both of us and we were both wearing wet pajamas. yuck. the cough medicine i had tried to convince him to take in the darkness last night had dripped all over both of us in a sticky pink mess. we put on clean pajamas and returned to the couch where we both slept like rocks for about 2 hours.

there is simply nothing that makes a mom more unpretty than caring for a sick little one. now if you will excuse me i will be bathing and doing laundry...

more rambling late night thoughts while eating cheez-its

for starters, i feel like my emotional well being has been upended in the last week. it's funny how something one person says out of real honest concern can rip another to shreads.

i had made peace with the fact that my kid is 2 years old and doesn't talk yet. i have worked through feeling like a complete and total shit of a mother for not "teaching" my child to talk. i have gotten over feeling like a complete jackass for wasting a ton of money and putting my son through a battery of unpleasant medical tests when i believed when somebody told me he was possibly autistic. i am now medicated after dealing with the dark depths of depression thta was only made worse when a developmental therapist told me that my baby's lack of speech was my fault.

and then comes the blind side. it hit me like a freight train when somebody i love dearly told me that she was still extremely worried about my son and that she seriously believes he is very delayed and needed more speech therapy.

the fact of the matter is that he does say a few words. he tries, dammit. he interacts now. he laughs, makes faces, uses gestures and follows directions. so the fuck what if he doesn't put 2 words together yet or use verbs? so what? we are doing our damn best as parents and anyone who has an issue with the way we are raising my darling boy can fucking suck it.

wow, that felt good.



don't you just hate when somebody takes a horrible tragedy in another's life and turns it into their very own drama parade. suddenly it's all about them... god, i hate that. and said person is apparently going to be under my nose for a couple of months now.

remember in the movie tombstone when Wyatt Earp first walks into The Oriental and the guy dealing cards is trash talking everyone? he says something to the effect of "christ almighty! it's like i'm sittin' here playin' cards with my brother's kids or sumthin'. you nerve wrackin' sons of bitches..." that really describes most interaction with miss-it's-all-about-me-drama-llama.



what goes through the minds of some folks? do people seriously use actual chicken bones as part of halloween costumes? i am looking for a plastic bone to be used as part of a BamBam Rubble costume. it was suggested to me that i use a chicken bone. yes, i know all the meat and grease could be scraped off but seriously? fuck no. i don't want every dog, cat, and raccoon within a mile radius of where my spawn is trick-or-treating to track him down and pounce on him. he IS a very large two year old, but i doubt very much that he could single handedly take on a pack of animals. i say single handed because i can guarandamntee you that is a bunch of crazed hungry animals start coming after him, my ass is gonna be hightailing it in another direction.

and really. let's remember folks that i am a city slicker. i haven't ever had a need to clean a chicken carcus. i buy boneless chicken parts to cook simply because i am a wee bit grossed out at biting chicken or any meat off the bone. i don't like doing it. i will do it if say it's a meal of chicken fried by my inlaws because that is a special kind of heavenly deliciousness, but otherwise, NO. and hell to the no way am i putting an old for real chicken bone on my kid. jeezus.


i wanted a tarp. FEMA Nancy didn't give me one. damn her. who really cares if we didn't have a need for a tarp? she should have brought me one anyhow.

so the universe is a strange place

remember my neighbors that were just certain that somebody was trying to gain unlawful entry to their home the other night? these same neighbors have admitted to poisoning dogs that wander into their yard. they also have been known to shoot firearms wrecklessly across their yard and in the direction of my family's property when we have been outside.

yeah, them. well, their house burnt up on sunday.

they have a history of burning the trash that they toss into their back yard. and it stinks. bad. so my husband and i are sitting in the house on sunday afternoon and we smell the stench of something burning. one of us commented that the neighbor must be burning trash again.

a few minutes later we hear sirens and horns of the volunteer firefighters' trucks. one of us commented that the neighbor probably set the house on fire. the other one of us chuckled because the notion seemed entirely unfathomable at that time.

so we go look to see where the trucks are going and what is happening and sure enough the neighbors' home in on fire. smoke is so thick outside that it is painful to breathe. they walked out of their house with nothing. if no foul play (insurance fraud) was involved, this means that these folks lost all their worldly possessions. regardless of how screwy they are, that's just sad.

rumor has it that the fire appeared to be the result of some electrical malfunction in the attic space, not a trash fire that wasn't properly tended to. who knows? i will leave it to the insurance adjusters and the fire inspectors to decide.

karma is a heartless bitch, so be good to other people and animals.

things that go bump, or rather BANG, in the night

so there i was last night. all chillax in the living room with my husband and we hear a BANG outside. husband says, "that sounded like a gun shot." to which i replied "because it was."

so about 15-20 minutes later my father in law, who if you will remember lives next door, comes walking up on our front porch. he has a mag lite in one hand, a pistol in the other and he is wearing nothing but a pair of shorts. a beautiful picture, let me tell ya.

apparently the neighbor on the other side of his house said she saw somebody trying to break into her bedroom window. she has a single shot rifle and so she fired her only shot "over the guy's head" and caused him to run off. ummm, ok.

so husband grabs his handgun and his mag lite. we both throw on flip flops and head outside. the three of us walk the back of our fenceline and visually skim every corner and possible hiding place in our back pasture. nobody is there.

by this point, i am nerved up. i am a little freaked out. no, i am a lot freaked out. i hated living in houston because of the crime. country life suits me just fine because there is virtually nothing bad happening out here besides an occasional drug bust or a drunken domestic violence call. the very idea of a person with ill intentions creeping around in the darkenss outside my house gives me chills.

so we finally come back inside. husband keeps his handgun loaded. he loads his .22 and has it ready as well. about 30 minutes later we hear another damn gun shot. seriously? seriously? is this "let's entirely fuck up halfy's head night"? nothing was happening outside.

there were no neighbors outside talking and the law never did come even though they were called. as the rest of the evening went on, i kind of decided that the neighbor who claims to have seen the would-be intruder is a bit off her rocker. their back yard is a dump. more than likely she saw a raccoon or a 'possum bopping around outside her window and didn't know better.

you would think that even stupid criminal types would know better than to try to jack with red neck country folks. i mean, everyone out here is armed. pretty much everyone out here would shoot to maim if not kill. and really, from the house that was supposedly targeted, there was no where to go but back out onto the highway and be seen. idiots.

surprisingly i slept like a log last night. nothing else went "BANG"!