like sands through the hour glass

it seems that despite my best intentions and the fact that my cup has runneth over many times with shit to get out of my head, i have again neglected my blog.

i've actually started a new one.  hopefully i will still post here also, but i'm not making any promises.

if i had a million dollars

or enough money that i could really do something noteworthy with... i'd show a woman i will call Old Milwaukee's Best (OMB), how sad and miserable she really is.

OMB, which could also stand for old mean beeyotch, thinks she knows everything about our job. she thinks that even if something is running along fine and dandy, if it's not the way she imagined it would be, she will throw a monkey wrench at it, cause major drama and then act like a huge martyr when she has to fix it. i hate folks like that. i hate that kind of drama. OMB also treats anyone who works "beneath" her like they are privilaged to be in her presense and like they are stupid morons when the kids act like kids and aren't perfectly well-behaved agreeable little yes-men.

the best way to get under OMB's skin is to smile and agree with her, especially when she knows she is being awful. she hates to see other people doing their job, and being successful at it, because it makes her look even more outdated and less significant.

so, back to my original point. if i had unlimited fundage to do something work-related, i'd open my own child care center. yup. that's what i'd do. we'd have a rockin' program for the after school kids and children would be separated into age-appropriate groups that would be staffed properly. children, not the bottom line, would be the number ONE priority. kids with different needs or abilities would be considered and included and not treated like a pest.

so, anyone want to fund a project? i have no business knowledge or saavy at all. i am a worker bee. i have no idea how i would ever get a project like that off the ground so for now it looks like i will continue to be OMB's whipping boy (or girl as the case may be).

where's my mid-30s discount, dammit?

gahhh! my husband's birthday is tuesday. it just hit me yesterday. he can't possibly be turning 33. he just can't.


and why not? (this is what you may be asking yourself now)

because it means there is only 6.5 months until i turn 33. that is mid-30s. i don't want to be in my mid-30s. in fact, i don't want to get any older at all. i'm good, right where i'm at and i'd like to keep it this way.

older means more gray hairs. yeah. more. i started finding a random silver strand way back in my mid-20s. i deemed it a fluke of nature, would pull it out and carry on. now, i have a bunch. a BUNCH? really? how can that be? kids don't get gray hair. old folks get gray hair. i am still a kid. luckily i still get told all the time that i have a very young face but in the past few years i have stopped getting carded for alcohol and smokes. my ego hurts a little.

older to me means more sickness. more aches. more pains. longer time needed to heal. we all know what a sickly little thing i am now and it has only gotten worse and i don't see that trend turning around any time soon. i exercise. i take my flintstones vitamins. i wear my seatbelt and sunscreen. however, all that considered, by the time i reach middle age, i will be a complete basket case. i'll be hot roding around the Mart on my hovaround and yelling at more able-bodied folks to get the hell out of my way. i don't really want to be that lady.

older also means my kid gets older. scary thought. i prefer him this age and this size. he's portable without baby gear and is still happy to be seen in public holding mommy's hand. in fact he nearly tackles me if we get out of the car in a parking lot and don't grab his hand quick enough to please him. he knows he better be white-knuckling me in a parking lot.

so i go out today to get my darling husband a birthday present. we don't usually exchange big or meaningful gifts. if we do anything he might get me flowers delivered to my job or i will find something i know he will find funny and give him that. i went to Hooters. the last time i was there with him we saw a tee shirt that had a funny thing printed on it that happened to be funny pretty much only because he has said it at least a million times himself. it was tacky as hell and right up our alley.

i guess older also means that even as uptight and neurotic as i can be, i am becoming more and more laid back and at peace with the world as a whole. ten years ago i would have scoffed at going to hooters, to eat or to shop for a birthday present. even as a joke. ten years ago, a lot was different. so much so that i feel younger now than i did when i was 22 or 23.

does wisdom come with age? hmmmm. does life experience equal wisdom? no, not exactly. am i any wiser? probably not. so it goes. pretty soon i'll be so old and senile i won't know the difference anyway and how bad could that be?

trying to find a place of peace

i didn't get either one of the jobs i interviewed for. one of the crapfalls of living out in a small rural community is that work opportunities are hard to find.

i had a long stressful day at work. without thinking, i sat and talked, with my guard down, to a co-worker that is known for being a snitch. i can't help but wonder what price i will pay for that. my crew was also bouncing off the walls today. i suppose it was due to all the nervous energy about school starting monday. i didn't leave until after 7 PM and i still wasn't done cleaning the room up.

my sasquatch got hit in the eye with one of those little rubber high-bouncey balls. he may wake up in the morning with a bit of a black eye. he also fell off a "porch" or small landing in front of my classroom at the daycare. he re-opened and added to a bad scrape/bruise injury he got two nights ago on the patio at Mimi's house.

thanks to the "big blue screw" this is the second night in a row that my darling husband is stuck in Angleton and not here.

my body aches. my head is throbbing and my sinuses are screaming. i have a to-do list a mile long for this weekend. i need a break.

and i need to make peace with all of that. it's a struggle and right this minute i am not sure if i am winning or losing. but fuck it. i'm tired. no, i am draggin-ass-exhauted. one more drink, one more smoke, and bed for me. sleep will most definitely make everything easier to handle in the morning.

dread. me. full up.

tomorrow is the last day of summer. my scheduled got fucked over a few weeks back but at least i did have several hours with my crew everyday before we were filled to capacity with three and four year olds. i loved those several hours.

monday they go back to school and that means that until about 3:20, my days will be spent being bounced from one classroom full of very young children to another. i hate that. it's almost easier however going from one class to the next than staying with one group because that way i get to escape and start over every hour. however, that also means i am usually with each group as they finish their lunch and have to go get settled into naptime.

have you ever tried to get 11 toddlers to lay down on kinder-mats and go to sleep simultaneously? not a picnic. not even close. however, i do have to admit that the feeling of accomplishment once they are all out cold is one of exponential awesomeness. never ever does sitting down and a big fat, yet quiet, sigh feel so damn good.

this year, as most of our kids will be coming back for after-school care, my crew will be close to 20 with JUST kids that are in kindergarten and older. wow. that does mean that very few if any younger children will be tossed into the mix which is a big relief.

mostly i am just really hating my boss. and the director. i am sick to death of passive-aggression and way they glare and constantly look for a few of us to mess up while others are allowed to break as many rules as they want right under their noses. it's frustrating and degrading. i am sick of treated like a lower class employee because my kids are "just the after-schoolers". as if they aren't worthy of the time and consideration that they want to give the younger ones. uggh.

the job i interviewed for last friday has not been filled yet. i called this morning to ask and was told they are still interviewing. so, at least i am not completely out of the running, however i think that if i had made a great impression they would have decided to hire me by now. after all, school starts monday.

limbo. i'm in it. my mind keeps comparing this current job to Dante's Inferno. haha. that by itself amuses me. i was just thinking i could use a Beatrice to help give me direction. and you know what? my beloved gramma's name was Beatrice. she passed away when i was 18. in all those years, i never saw her make a hasty judgment. she was always calm and so pleasant. i sure could use some of that right now.

or a winning lottery ticket. because nothing would make me happier right now than to call up my boss and tell her to take this job and shove it. i ain't workin' here no more.

more flowers because they make me smile

flora in the trainerhood

my first iris to open up in the flower bed this past spring.

don't know what these are, but this is my husband's grandmother's birth bath.

i believe these are some kind of rose. i just liked the contrast of the stark white flowers against the dark mulchy background.