the half of it

like sands through the hour glass

2011-03-06T18:59:00.000-06:00

it seems that despite my best intentions and the fact that my cup has runneth over many times with shit to get out of my head, i have again neglected my blog.

i've actually started a new one. hopefully i will still post here also, but i'm not making any promises.

if i had a million dollars

2010-09-09T06:59:00.002-05:00

or enough money that i could really do something noteworthy with... i'd show a woman i will call Old Milwaukee's Best (OMB), how sad and miserable she really is.

OMB, which could also stand for old mean beeyotch, thinks she knows everything about our job. she thinks that even if something is running along fine and dandy, if it's not the way she imagined it would be, she will throw a monkey wrench at it, cause major drama and then act like a huge martyr when she has to fix it. i hate folks like that. i hate that kind of drama. OMB also treats anyone who works "beneath" her like they are privilaged to be in her presense and like they are stupid morons when the kids act like kids and aren't perfectly well-behaved agreeable little yes-men.

the best way to get under OMB's skin is to smile and agree with her, especially when she knows she is being awful. she hates to see other people doing their job, and being successful at it, because it makes her look even more outdated and less significant.

so, back to my original point. if i had unlimited fundage to do something work-related, i'd open my own child care center. yup. that's what i'd do. we'd have a rockin' program for the after school kids and children would be separated into age-appropriate groups that would be staffed properly. children, not the bottom line, would be the number ONE priority. kids with different needs or abilities would be considered and included and not treated like a pest.

so, anyone want to fund a project? i have no business knowledge or saavy at all. i am a worker bee. i have no idea how i would ever get a project like that off the ground so for now it looks like i will continue to be OMB's whipping boy (or girl as the case may be).

where's my mid-30s discount, dammit?

2010-08-28T14:26:00.003-05:00

gahhh! my husband's birthday is tuesday. it just hit me yesterday. he can't possibly be turning 33. he just can't.

and why not? (this is what you may be asking yourself now)

because it means there is only 6.5 months until i turn 33. that is mid-30s. i don't want to be in my mid-30s. in fact, i don't want to get any older at all. i'm good, right where i'm at and i'd like to keep it this way.

older means more gray hairs. yeah. more. i started finding a random silver strand way back in my mid-20s. i deemed it a fluke of nature, would pull it out and carry on. now, i have a bunch. a BUNCH? really? how can that be? kids don't get gray hair. old folks get gray hair. i am still a kid. luckily i still get told all the time that i have a very young face but in the past few years i have stopped getting carded for alcohol and smokes. my ego hurts a little.

older to me means more sickness. more aches. more pains. longer time needed to heal. we all know what a sickly little thing i am now and it has only gotten worse and i don't see that trend turning around any time soon. i exercise. i take my flintstones vitamins. i wear my seatbelt and sunscreen. however, all that considered, by the time i reach middle age, i will be a complete basket case. i'll be hot roding around the Mart on my hovaround and yelling at more able-bodied folks to get the hell out of my way. i don't really want to be that lady.

older also means my kid gets older. scary thought. i prefer him this age and this size. he's portable without baby gear and is still happy to be seen in public holding mommy's hand. in fact he nearly tackles me if we get out of the car in a parking lot and don't grab his hand quick enough to please him. he knows he better be white-knuckling me in a parking lot.

so i go out today to get my darling husband a birthday present. we don't usually exchange big or meaningful gifts. if we do anything he might get me flowers delivered to my job or i will find something i know he will find funny and give him that. i went to Hooters. the last time i was there with him we saw a tee shirt that had a funny thing printed on it that happened to be funny pretty much only because he has said it at least a million times himself. it was tacky as hell and right up our alley.

i guess older also means that even as uptight and neurotic as i can be, i am becoming more and more laid back and at peace with the world as a whole. ten years ago i would have scoffed at going to hooters, to eat or to shop for a birthday present. even as a joke. ten years ago, a lot was different. so much so that i feel younger now than i did when i was 22 or 23.

does wisdom come with age? hmmmm. does life experience equal wisdom? no, not exactly. am i any wiser? probably not. so it goes. pretty soon i'll be so old and senile i won't know the difference anyway and how bad could that be?

trying to find a place of peace

2010-08-20T21:57:00.002-05:00

i didn't get either one of the jobs i interviewed for. one of the crapfalls of living out in a small rural community is that work opportunities are hard to find.

i had a long stressful day at work. without thinking, i sat and talked, with my guard down, to a co-worker that is known for being a snitch. i can't help but wonder what price i will pay for that. my crew was also bouncing off the walls today. i suppose it was due to all the nervous energy about school starting monday. i didn't leave until after 7 PM and i still wasn't done cleaning the room up.

my sasquatch got hit in the eye with one of those little rubber high-bouncey balls. he may wake up in the morning with a bit of a black eye. he also fell off a "porch" or small landing in front of my classroom at the daycare. he re-opened and added to a bad scrape/bruise injury he got two nights ago on the patio at Mimi's house.

thanks to the "big blue screw" this is the second night in a row that my darling husband is stuck in Angleton and not here.

my body aches. my head is throbbing and my sinuses are screaming. i have a to-do list a mile long for this weekend. i need a break.

and i need to make peace with all of that. it's a struggle and right this minute i am not sure if i am winning or losing. but fuck it. i'm tired. no, i am draggin-ass-exhauted. one more drink, one more smoke, and bed for me. sleep will most definitely make everything easier to handle in the morning.

dread. me. full up.

2010-08-19T08:49:00.002-05:00

tomorrow is the last day of summer. my scheduled got fucked over a few weeks back but at least i did have several hours with my crew everyday before we were filled to capacity with three and four year olds. i loved those several hours.

monday they go back to school and that means that until about 3:20, my days will be spent being bounced from one classroom full of very young children to another. i hate that. it's almost easier however going from one class to the next than staying with one group because that way i get to escape and start over every hour. however, that also means i am usually with each group as they finish their lunch and have to go get settled into naptime.

have you ever tried to get 11 toddlers to lay down on kinder-mats and go to sleep simultaneously? not a picnic. not even close. however, i do have to admit that the feeling of accomplishment once they are all out cold is one of exponential awesomeness. never ever does sitting down and a big fat, yet quiet, sigh feel so damn good.

this year, as most of our kids will be coming back for after-school care, my crew will be close to 20 with JUST kids that are in kindergarten and older. wow. that does mean that very few if any younger children will be tossed into the mix which is a big relief.

mostly i am just really hating my boss. and the director. i am sick to death of passive-aggression and way they glare and constantly look for a few of us to mess up while others are allowed to break as many rules as they want right under their noses. it's frustrating and degrading. i am sick of treated like a lower class employee because my kids are "just the after-schoolers". as if they aren't worthy of the time and consideration that they want to give the younger ones. uggh.

the job i interviewed for last friday has not been filled yet. i called this morning to ask and was told they are still interviewing. so, at least i am not completely out of the running, however i think that if i had made a great impression they would have decided to hire me by now. after all, school starts monday.

limbo. i'm in it. my mind keeps comparing this current job to Dante's Inferno. haha. that by itself amuses me. i was just thinking i could use a Beatrice to help give me direction. and you know what? my beloved gramma's name was Beatrice. she passed away when i was 18. in all those years, i never saw her make a hasty judgment. she was always calm and so pleasant. i sure could use some of that right now.

or a winning lottery ticket. because nothing would make me happier right now than to call up my boss and tell her to take this job and shove it. i ain't workin' here no more.

more flowers because they make me smile

2010-08-15T11:54:00.003-05:00

flora in the trainerhood

2010-08-14T14:08:00.007-05:00

my first iris to open up in the flower bed this past spring.

don't know what these are, but this is my husband's grandmother's birth bath.

i believe these are some kind of rose. i just liked the contrast of the stark white flowers against the dark mulchy background.

ahhhh, the dollar tree. a dangerous place

2010-08-14T12:57:00.003-05:00

this summer at daycare land, with my "after-schollers", i started a new behavior and rewards system. there is a big chart and everyone's name has a row. each row has ten stickers in the behavior column and then an extra section for "bonus" stickers on the lagniappe side. lagniappe stickers are given when i notice somebody doing a good deed. or somebody who is remembering manners and just doing a good job at not being a howler monkey on crack. some kids rack up tons of these stickers and some can hardly earn any. so goes it.

as for the beahvior side, each child starts each week with a full row of ten stickers. every time a kid gets a time out, they lose one. if they have all ten stickers at the end of the week, they get to pick a prize from the treasure chest. if they have at least eight stickers left by the end of the week, they can go on our thursday or friday field trip.

it has worked well. and now i am down to the last week of their summer vacations. friday they are going to a putt-putt and money-suck park for pizza, golf and video games. if you know me from back home, the place looks like it will be similar to Golf 'n' Stuff. so, wednesday or thursday we are going to have Bonus Bucks Mart.

all through the summer i've picked up a lot of little stuff for prizes at dollar stores, the buck spot at target, and i've made a few things as well. however many lagniappe stickers each kid has, that is how many bonus bucks they will get to spend at our Mart. i will decide how many bucks each item is worth and they can shop their hearts out.

i went for one last foray into the Dollar Tree this morning for bonus buck items. i only spent about twenty dollars but i could have spent several times that. i bought coloring posters, mini-purses, hot wheels, puzzles, watches, 3D wooden dinosaur skeleton things (no idea what to call them but they look pretty cool), dry erase marker boards, spongebob and batman notebooks and pens, a couple random shark toys, and two checkers games.

i do so love dollar tree. so many other dollar stores are purely crap. or they are disgusting and not someplace you would even want to set foot in, let alone buy anything. dollar tree never fails to deliver. as somebody who loves a bargain and somebody who loves to shop, there is nothing quite like getting a whole buggy of junk you didn't know you even needed or wanted for pocket change.

wow, what a year

2010-08-12T21:07:00.003-05:00

it's been a year. a whole year since i posted anything here.

why am i back? i got the tiniest bit of inspiration from an old friend who just found me on facebook. it was mentioned that said person had read some of this blog and voila! here i am, back again.

i read back over most of my thoughts here over and i was a bit disappointed in myself for not finding the time to keep this up. it's not that i didn't have stuff to say. i guess many times i felt too tired. too busy. too overwhelmed with my thoughts to even put them into words.

so what now? i feel like i'm at a crossroads again. i still love the daycare job. no. scratch that. i love my kids. MY class. i adore all the kids but i was not engineered to be in charge of 15-18 three year olds. there is no structure and the children that are wont to misbehave know that regardless of what they do, there is no real consequence due to our management. sad, huh? the owner and director of the daycare are not supportive and there are many things that happen there that i disagree with including a heap more work added to my day with no increase to my minimum wage paycheck. OUCH!

a few weeks ago i applied for a couple of positions with our local school district. i interviewed last week for one that i thought went incredibly well. i was called two days later and told that i was an extremely close second and the candidate they hired was chosen because he or she had experience at the position that i lacked. this hit me hard. very hard. for several days all i could think about was a stupid "no fear" tee shirt that i used to see dumbass jocks wearing: second place is first loser. i felt like second place was the worst place to be. i had set my hopes so high that accepting the bad news was sickening.

earlier this week i received a call reagrding the other position i applied for. i interview in the morning. i am excited and nervous but i am going in with the idea that this may again turn out like last. i know i have a lot to offer, but somebody else may have more. and i will make the best of things, whatever will be will be. plus, before the acceptance of a new job i need to know that pay will be enough better that we can make it with me only working 9 months of the year.

in other news, all my exercising and working to get healthier and thinner have finally paid off in the last year. since the beginning of 2010 i have lost about 20 pounds. the last 5 or so pounds that i'd like to lose don't seem to want to budge, but that's no surprise. i am back to the clothes size i was before i got pregnant. YAY! and i have muscle tone, again. however there is still a lot of jiggle in my wiggle. if i were to get the job i interview for tomorrow, i'd have more time to do what i really love in terms of physical activity: run. i could actually really run. outside. no more Wii Fit running everyday in my living room. i crave that.

my beautiful boy is getting smarter and is sailing right along in his language and speech and grasp of the world in general. he was tested this spring to see if he qualified for any of the pre-k special services offered in our school system and he tested too high. barely, but still. wow. win! he turns four this fall.

enough for now. i have to pick out what i am wearing to interview in the morning and get myself to bed. it's was a long and busy day. so if there is anyone out there still checking in here and reading, please wish me luck in the morning. please and thank-you!

so two months later

2009-08-09T14:15:00.002-05:00

two months i have been working at a daycare. i've had pink eye and a stomach virus that caused me to vomit so hard, fast, and furiously for an entire day that i injured my back. i've laughed til i've cried, dried many more tears from small people, and solidified my belief in the notion that each day is what you choose for it to be. you have to want to be happy to be happy. now if i could just get a few of my charges to realize that.

i bought a new car, finally. went back to hyundai since the last one lasted through so much wear and tear. and they are affordable. i hate that i couldn't afford an american car with the state of our auto industry, but so it goes. i am loving my car and the new car smell.

my darling boy has come leaps and bounds ahead of where he was socially and with his speech/communication before he started attending day care. he uses rough sentences now. he says stuff for no reason. he is more creative and outgoing. he loves his teacher and i think she is an awesome person. watching her with the kids makes me so comfortable that my boy if my boy isn't spending his days with me, it's with her.

things are still up in the air with my husband's job. i am sick and tired of the stress and worry related to it. either his whole district office wills hut down or it won't. things may start getting better soon, or they could fall apart tragically without a second's notice. either way, there is nothing we can do but hope for the best and be prepared for the worst. it sucks but we will get through somehow.

the new job

2009-06-07T12:55:00.002-05:00

last wednesday, a day care where i had applied for a job called me and scheduled an interview. last thursday i went in to interview and last friday i was hired. the following monday i went to work.

i had forgotten what working with a large bunch of kids was realy like. it's been ten years. this week has provided many laughs and "oh my god, what the fuck have i gotten myself into?" moments. it's exhausting but tons of fun.

and the boy has survived his week there as well. barely.

so i was reading another blog somewhere...

2009-05-23T23:06:00.002-05:00

what annoys me right now is that i can't remember what blog it was or even how long ago it was.

anyhow the blogger posted an entry about first kisses and for some reason i was cruising down the road today between civilization and the hick sticks, it popped into my head. and i started thinking about all of the first kisses i've had.

there are experiences that were sweet and tender and others that just make me want to deny they ever happened because they were so terrible. some had the potential to be seriously hot and they fizzled and others were exactly the opposite.

the worst first kiss with a guy was with one i will call the rat bastard or RB for short. looking back, this kiss should have been the red flag to stop me from ever getting involved with him in the first place but hindsight is always 20/20, huh? i ended up dating the RB for over 4 years. what made it so bad?

we had been on a couple of dates and we were out driving around my hometown looking for something to do or someplace to hang out. i suggested we go and climb the fence and wander around the golf course. it was a nice night and there wouldn't be anyone else around like if we were to just go and sit in a park or something. so we trespass our preppy little butts over the fence and we found a bench on the golf course and we sat and talked. then, out of the blue this dumbass fucking moron gets this completely smug shit-eating grin on his face and says "i guess this is the total mack stage now, huh?" and proceeds to attempt to devour my face. what a tool. it gives me the heebie jeebies just thinking about it. i attribute my sticking around to being extremely young and lacking in any sort of self confidence. it was nice being the object of his affection at the time.

some of the finest first kisses ever were when they took me totally by surprise. i wasn't expecting them and they just happened, perfectly. and the very best first kiss ever... i thought it was coming on a wednesday night and it did not. and i felt like a gigantic ass for reading the wrong thing into his behavior. there was another date on friday night and i was very nonchalant about it. i had given up on it and figured this guy and i might just be friends. and he brought me home after that date and i reached up to hug him. he leaned in to kiss me goodnight and 45 minutes later were still standing in my doorway smooching. this one turned out wonderfully, by the way... i just kissed him goodnight a couple of hours ago.

the funniest first kiss memory i have is one that still get teased about and it was in 1996. a friend and i were in mexico having a girls' weekend and we met up with some guys that happened to be from our hometown and so we talked for a while and some alcohol was involved. somehow we paired off and it was decided that we were all headed for the beach. being young and slightly tipsy, i insisted on briging a bigass flashlight because it was dark out. i don't know what i thought a walk on the beach involved at that time but let me just say that a flashlight was not really necessary.

do you specifically remember any of your first kisses? anything noteworthy? and does anyone happen to know what blog gave me this idea?

fuck it. let's go to the pocket

2009-05-20T21:38:00.002-05:00

after a long stressful week, you can bet that somebody in this house will be uttering the above sentiment.

i live in a semi-dry county. you can buy beer and wine at the grocery store but no hard liquor. we have a Chili's here and to buy beer or any hard hooch you have to purchase what is called a UNICARD for three bucks. you can drink yourself to death if you give them your three dollars first and sign your name on the paper card.

the last time i was at Chili's drinking, i came home and woke up the next morning to find three forks in my purse. i also remembered our table trying to chit chat with the waitress and we mentioned that she might have 'slipped my brother a mickey' in his beer and she had no early idea what that meant. sigh... i vowed then and there to never drink there again. how on earth did three forks get into my purse?

we also have The Empty Pocket. it's lovingly called the pocket. the pocket is considered a private club because you buy a membership. for eleven smackaroonies a year you become a member. the pocket is one of those little crap-ass ugly as all hell from the outside (and the inside) falling apart buildings. however, it's the type of place where all sorts can come in and drink and get along for the most part. Toby Keith sings about a bar where rednecks, bikers, yuppies, and everything in between come in and fit in. that's our pocket.

there are no two tables or chairs the same in the pocket. a handful of the tables have rolling desk chairs. why are there rolling chairs in a bar with uneven floors and drunks? the last time i was in the pocket i was rolled from one end of the bar to the other by a guy i had only met once before who thought that was the way to get me to get up and dance with him. i'm a sucker, it worked. of course he did roll me right up to the dance floor and after a few drinks i forgot that i totally suck at anything involving music or rhythm.

the first few times i was in the pocket i felt out of place and like it was a place to pity. however, as time has gone on it's grown on me. it's comfortable and fun. it's cheap beer and waitresses that smile and call everyone darlin' and sweetie but still don't take any shit from anyone.

Chili's bar? not so much. who cares if they have food there and the pocket doesn't? at least random pieces of silverware don't mysteriously find their way into my purse at the pocket.

the coma-inducing couch

2009-05-16T15:33:00.002-05:00

we have a couch and a loveseat. they are extremely comfortable, not so hot in the aesthetics department but they are just delightful to decline on.

i woke up around my normal time this morning. i drank my coffee, i wrote checks to pay our mid-month bills, and i did my Wii-fit workout. i took my shower and started getting lunch stuff ready for the ball crew. i ate a peanut butter and jelly sandwich and suddenly it was like i had been drugged.

my body literally ached for sleep. i felt drunk and as if i had been awake for days. my eyes needed to close. i got the kiddo down for his nap and i collapsed onto the couch.

nearly every night my husband comes home from work and at some point in the evening he sits on the couch and passes out watching whatever dumb man show he pretends that he will see. we joke about the cough being treated with some sort of drugs that cause deep heavy sleep to come on quickly and stealthily.

i wasn't on the couch for 30 seconds before i was out cold. i slept like a log for two hours until the phone rang and woke me up. it was my idiot-in-law on the other end which pissed me off, but that's a different story for a different time. my husband says that while i slept, he attempted to wake me and talk to me once to tell me he was running into town. he also had the tv off and on a couple of times and it started thundering and pouring rain outside. and i slept through it all.

i feel like a million bucks now. wish i could nap like this every day. actually, better yet, i wish i could sleep like this every night. maybe i should just put myself to bed on the couch every night or i could start nosing around the black market and seeing if i can't find myself some ruffies.

the creepiest thing

2009-05-15T10:15:00.002-05:00

i was up 4:40 this morning with a crying kid. he went back down quickly but then my husband's alarms (yes, alarmS. it takes many to get him up) were going off at 5:00. i laid in bed til about 5:20 and decided to hell with it, i'd get up and have my coffee.

so at about 5:23, before the haze has even considered lifting off my brain i was watching the morning news. and on comes on of a series of the most irritating and creepy commercials on tv right now. Qatar Airways.

are they trying to seduce you or sell you a seat on a plane? jeezus. that voice gave me the heebie jeebies at dark thirty in the morning and the extreme close up of the flight attendant's face at the end was too much.

and this is what makes me laugh

2009-05-14T14:37:00.005-05:00

as we were leaving the library today, my old pals the librarians asked sasquatch if he wanted a prize. a prize for what? i don't know because he has had one hell of a week.

the library staff had their boxes of prizes out getting them ready for the upcoming summer reading program. most of the crap in the boxes is just that - cheapo plastic crap. so for ten minutes of more sasquatch paws through the boxes, picks stuff up and drops it back in. apparently he thinks he is just supposed to look at this junk and he isn't getting that they want him to take a piece of it off their hands.

he plays with noise making things. he plays with tiny rubber ducks, he plays with imitation hot wheels, he plays with finger puppets. and then he uncovered the prize of all prizes. we found, and by we i mean ME, a hard rubber white tiger that is about the size of my hand.

that's it? that's the ultimate prize? yeah. yeah it is because as soon as i saw that bad boy i snatched it up and shoved it into the side of my neck and said "look! who am i?" and then i proceeded to laugh. a lot.

sad, huh? so now i am sitting here waiting for my husband to get home from work so i can do my best Roy and the White Tiger Attack impression for him too. oh boy.

and, back to sasquatch. he hates the tiger toy. he apparently never did understand that he could pick out and take home one of those toys at the library so he didn't care that momma got a tiger and he didn't get anything. he doesn't like the tiger, doesn't want to play with the tiger and doesn't even want to look at it. fine by me.

happy things

2009-05-13T13:34:00.002-05:00

-i can not cross off one of the things on my list of stuff to do before i die. i have wanted to learn to knit for eons. i have tried before, unsuccessfully. this week, it finally all clicked and now i can knit and purl. pot holders for everyone for Christmas this year!

- creamy cajun chicken pasta. this quite simply the best meal i can cook. i cannot make this when i am eating alone or i will, without a doubt, eat enough to fil several people. i love it. if i could marry it, i would. it's that good. here's how it's done (and this should feed 3-4 adults, or just me):

use about one boneless chicken breast per person who will eat. cut them into bite sized pieces and toss them into a BIG skillet with a touch of olive oil. sprinkle them with about 2 - 2 1/2 teaspoons of cajun seasoning like Tony's. saute until the chicken is cooked through. pour any extra liquid out of the skillet and leave the chicken in there. dump in 1-2 cupa of heavy whipping cream, it does thicken so you may want to add more than you think you will want or add some more as it thickens. toss in at least 2 tablesppons of chopped up sundried tomatoes, some garlic to taste, 1/4 cup or more of grated parmesan cheese, and some seasoning like basil, oregano, whatever. stir all that together with the chicken and let it heat, slowly. and obviously, in another pan, cook your pasta.

plop a heap of carb-laden goodness on your plate and top that with the heavenly fattening delight that is your chicken/sauce mixture. eat til you can't move.

-the kid and the dog playing together. seriously, this is progress folks. now that the dog is about twice the size of the kid, i guess he doesn't feel the need to allow himself to be harassed so much anymore. now they actually play without Charlie the giant puppy running and hiding from the toddler. i actually saw sasquatch making funny faces at his puppy this morning. funny stuff.

and here it is... mother's day

2009-05-10T07:36:00.003-05:00

i had planned on posting new blog entries over these last couple days saluting the awesome moms in my life. my friend Adrienne, my mother in law, my best friend's mom - all amazing in their own way that has influenced me for the better.

but, motherhood got in the way. my sweet boy is sick. he has coughed and sniffled and sneezed and whined for 3 days. i thought it was just a little cold virus. i've been giving him cough medicine at bedtime so that hopefully he may be able to sleep restfully without hacking himself awake a hundread times.

last night, i gave him his cough medicine and filled his bathtub. as soon as i got him out of the tub he started coughing really hard and crying until he threw up all over the bathroom floor and himself. so needless to say he went back into the tub and got re-bathed. then all night long he repeatedly woke up coughing and crying. this morning he feels like fire but he won't sit still long enough to take his temperature.

but despite all that, it's a great mother's day. why? how? how could a pukey toddler and no sleep be great? because it means that i get to do my job, an extremely hard job but a job i love. he needs me and i, him. this is what motherhood means to me. not just the giggles, hugs, kisses and all the first-time-doings, but all the hard stuff too; the sickness, the tantrums, the wreckingball that is a little boy. it's ALL the good stuff.

happy mother's day to me and to you. please don't forget to not only wish your mother a good day, but all the women who have guided you, comforted you, taught you, helped you, whatever, a happy mother's day. she will appreciate it whether she has kids or not.

mother's day, part deux

2009-05-06T08:24:00.002-05:00

so, after talking about my own child and my feelings on mothering my son i have been thinking and thinking about what i could say about my relationship with my mom. it's complicated. it's really really complicated.

the best thing i could think of to describe us is the relationship between Sidda and Vivi in the Yaya books. while my mother wasn't a privilaged socialite of a wife, the actual relationship is similar. i haven't reread any of the the Yaya books in a long time because they are just so painful for me to think about so i can't give any direct quotes. the pain, the hard work, the indescribable need to please a woman who seemed so impossible to please hits too close to home. and from ViVi Walker's position, it turns out that my mother has always been so proud of me but for some reason her own attempts at showing me love never got through very well.

my mom and i have been back and forth all over the map of emotions with each other since i reached adulthood and moved out of her home. to preserve some modicum of her privacy, i won't talk about any specifics here. what i can say is that right now things between us are good. they are nice. they are comfy... exactly the way one hopes for a relationship with her mother to be.

if somebody were to ask me what i loved most about my mom right this minute, i'd say it is watching her fall head over heels in love with and spoiling her grandson. it's so warm and fuzzy it's nearly sickening. watching my mom love my baby makes me yearn for the day when i have my own grandchildren to fall in love with.

one of my other favorite things about growing up ion my mom's world is all the fodder she has provided me and and my brother with. both or our black sarcastic hearts just love to make fun of some of the parental-type things she's said repeatedly over the years. whenever either one of us messes something up or breaks something, the other immediately says "CAN'T WE HAVE ANYTHING NICE AROUND HERE?!" and there's also "i do and do and do for you. can't you show any appreciation at all?" laughter abounds. my husband and i have a few that we throw out there that my mom said a bunch of times when my kid was a newborn. those are still pretty fresh and raw and are sometimes not met with laughter. the response tends to be more of a "shut up, baby. that's NOT EVEN funny."

and someday my sasquatch will be making fun of me. i just know it. it's the circle of life in the world of sarcastic assholes!

mom is planning on coming out sometime this summer. i am excited and anxious all at once. despite things being good between us right now, i am always edgy about it because i fear the atomic bomb dropping on what we have and taking us right back to one of the ugly awful places we have been in the past.

before parting, what i do have to say is that i have never doubted that i was loved by her. momw as dealt a really shitty hand and i know that she always put my brother and me first. she always did her very best for us and loved us the very best way she knew how. it hasn't always felt like that, but such is life, right? we're working on it. i love her and i can confidently say now that i know she loves me too. happy mother's day mom.

it's almost mother's day, part 1

2009-05-02T13:33:00.003-05:00

since mother's day is looming near on the horizon, the reminders are everywhere. it's been making me think a lot about my course of motherhood. and so i am going to purge all that here, now.

even before we were married we were trying and desperately wanting to get pregnant. it took lots of heartache and stress to get me knocked up but it did eventually happen. and nine long months, almost 24 hours of labor and an emergency c-section later my gorgeous baby boy was born. he came into this world with his big bright blue eyes taking everything in and was the most beautiful thing i had ever laid eyes on.

the funny thing was that as bad as i wanted to start a family with my husband, i had no idea what to do with a baby. in all my years i'd probably only held a baby two or three times. i'd never changed a diaper. i'd never fed a bottle or rocked anyone to sleep. and more than anything, i had no idea how to calm a crying baby down.

and i still don't know what i am doing. i can't lie, it's been the hardest two and a half years of my life. there's been plenty of times that i was ready to throw in the towel and have wondered how simple it would be to run away from the struggle and never look back. i still don't know what i am doing, but that's ok. i love what i am doing. it doesn't matter that i may not be the best mother in the world. i am trying. a very very dear friend of mine, Adrienne, has told me that as long as you love your kids and do your best you are the best mother in their world. she is right.

i have also come to realize that as the mother of a child who doesn't fall into the averages and "rules" of how kids are supposed to learn and when they are supposed to do things, every little step forward is that much more special. i don't take anything for granted. i also don't focus anymore on what he can't do yet. it's not worth it. he is so amazingly funny and cute and sweet and stubborn. my child is so well behaved in public that complete strangers frequently compliment me. that's what i focus on. i don't know what i am doing, but i love doing it.

musings

2009-04-30T14:36:00.002-05:00

- i want another tattoo. i want a line from the john keats poem Ode on Melancholy. it will say 'glut thy sorrows on a morning rose' and maybe have a small little flower. i would like it to be on the inside of one of my wrists. i'm just not sure i'm ready to get inked in such a conspicuous spot yet.

- my kid won't stop throwing things. i am at my wit's end and have turned to alcohol. two days in a row now. before lunchtime. i've tried slapping his hand as soon as he has thrown something. i've tried giving him a spank on the behind. i've tried time outs. i've tried lectures. i've tried ignoring it thinking that if the behavior didn't get attention it would stop. but, the little booger continues to throw things. it doesn't matter what, if he has it in his hand and he gets the urge, it becomes a projectile. short of handcuffing him or boxing gloves so that he can't pick anything up, how do i stop it? my liver thanks anyone for any suggestions.

- i am pissed at my Wii fit. don't get me wrong, i love it. i really enjoy it. what i don't love is that i have been on that thing for at least 45 minutes every day (doing aerobic exercise that causes me to sweat and short of breath) for almost a month now and i have not lost any weight. my ass is still the size of a tug boat.

again with the lapse...

2009-04-28T12:59:00.002-05:00

yeah, yeah. so it's been a while again. i had the plague or the monkey flu or the swine pox or something. the doctor said it was just bronchitis but i seriously think it was more than that. you know how those doctor types are. all that schooling and volumes upon volumes of knowledge, and they try to appease me by telling me i simply have something boring like bronchitis. whatever. anyhow, both the boy and i recovered and his antibiotics are almost finished. FINALLY.

i've been feeling really domestic again lately. i've been just itching to bake and sew and do homemaking things like that. however, my fat ass doesn't need any more sweets, nevermind that i baked a pan of from scratch brownies last night at 9:30 and we no longer have anyplace to buy fabric here in the hicksticks. so, my mind is left to wander and imagine all the things i'd love to make.

i want a pancake puffer pan. no. scratch that. i DESPERATELY want a pancake puffer pan. you know the one i'm talking about. it's on infomercials and in the "as seen on tv" sections in stores and on the net. my seven year old neice also deserately wants me to have one. do you know what kind of beautiful awesome delectable yummies i could create with it? ok, you're right. with my track record i peobably couldn't do anything spectacular with it. but i wanna try. i want to make pancakes filled with pudding or frosting. i want to make brownie puffs and blueberry muffin puffs. oh, the possibilities are numerous and maybe endless.

now, things are about to get really ugly because i am going to grovel and beg so if you don't like that sort of thing, click away now.

what stands in my way? i won't go and buy my own pancake puffer pan. and, so far nobody has bought one for me. what gives? do you love me? well, do you even like me a little bit? won't you please buy me a pancake puffer pan? i promise i will share my bounty of goods created as a result of my owning the thing with you. please?

look, here it is---> http://www.as-seen-on-tv-products.ws/store/pancake-puffs-p-1674.html

hello snarkies.

2009-03-27T13:21:00.003-05:00

geez louise, time flies when life comes flying at you like a 1990 buick that slams into the side of your car as he makes an illegal left turn out of KFC. well, okay, time doesn't really fly quite like that, but it does seem to pass rather quickly these days.

in the last month and change i have been in a wreck. had the car totaled out. been with my husband through four rounds of layoffs at his job in which he has survived each one - thanks universe. been to Arizona and watched one of my oldest friends get married. and had a big fat limb fall out of the sky and onto my home.

and we got a dog.

he is a boxer. his name is Charlie, officially. i named him that but i never call him that. so far he's been:
charles
charles barkley
sir charles
charles dickens
charlie and the chocolate factory
charlie brown
charlie manson
charlie chaplin
charlie sheen
chuck
chuckles
chuck norris
chuck berry
two buck chuck
and
hey asshole

you get the picture. anyhow, he all cute and funny and chatty like boxers tend to be. he is a crazed lunatic and my kid has a love/hate relationship with him. and i think i do too.

see, i like dogs just like i like kids. i don't like babies. and i don't like puppies. this little booger is trying my every last nerve. but each day he takes two steps forward and only one back so progress is happening.

i'm thinking about buying him some breath-right strips though. i don't know how this giant little guy can possibly snore so freaking loud. unbelievable. i have been near him and his snoring while on the phone and the people on the other end of my conversation can hear him over the phone...

oh good god.

2009-02-12T22:40:00.003-06:00

what the heck is that about?

awww, fuck it. who am i kidding? it doesn't matter because stupid fools are always gonna be all sad and pitiful. heh. so if you are a pissy-cheerioes eater, just know that i pity you and your sadness. i hope things shape up for you soon.

hello darlin'. nice to see you.

2009-02-10T12:29:00.002-06:00

it's been a long time...

oops. i never intended to go this long without posting here. what's new?

i now have some super gothy black hair. the box of hair color said dark brown. hence i wanted a darker brown than i already had. not black. brown. c'est la vie, i suppose. it doesn't bother me too much, i mean, it's not like i can look at myself and think critical thoughts all day long. i have other stuff to do. the only reason i am concerned is because i am going to be a bridesmaid in 2 weeks. she is not expecting gothy mcbridesmaid to make an appearance.

let's see. what else?
oh yeah. drunk people who are flaming idiots should not throw stones when they live in glass houses. in other words don't call me an asshole for something that happened last week when you weren't adult enough to ask about it then. especially when the whole ordeal had absolutely NOTHING to do with you. or maybe you were too drunk to notice. so just mind your business and sober the fuck up. and oh yeah, mall bangs went out a couple of decades ago.

ok, back to acting my age now. except now i can't think of anything else to say. haha, bummer.

obsessing over a wedding gift

2009-01-19T08:50:00.002-06:00

one of my oldest friends is getting married. i don't know what to get her. this is a conundrum for me, a bit of a pickle.

the gift should be something i can either easily slip into a suitcase or something that i can have shipped directly to her home. the gift should be original and thoughtful. the gift should be entirely affordable because we are broker than broke and i just shelled out close to $200 for a bridesmaid dress and close to $400 for a plane ticket to get to this wedding. i want the gift to be meaningful and not just some random thing off her registry.

who is she? she is a super stylish, brilliant, outgoing girl. i have no clue why she is friends with the likes of me... harhar. the biggest problem for me is coming up with something that she will use and like but she or her fiance don't already own. any ideas, folks? please please leave me some ideas.

stuff halfy likes

2009-01-06T12:34:00.002-06:00

i have an acquaintence who has a blog dedicated to endorsing things she likes. hence, the name of her blog is Stuff Kimmy Likes. so, in honor of that blog, i just thought i'd talk about my favorite things du jour.

-nintendo DS. oh how do i love this little game machine. i actually only have one game so far because i just got it for Christmas, but i can NOT stop playing. i have the original Brain Age game. i thought i'd be all about the little mind games and such on there, but really i have not been able to pull myself away from the sudoku. talk about a time killer. oh, and this morning my brain age was 48! gahhhh. 20 is the best and most days i am within a year or two of my actual age but for some reason this morning my head was off into the future feeling out the early stages of old-person-crazy-and-slow.

- limited edition chex winter mix, cocoa flavor. it's better than crack. check it out. actually look at walmart for it. i went grocery shopping on saturday morning and found it on clearance for 50 cents for a big bag. i only bought two but i am guessing that when i get back there, it will be long gone.

- Trader Joe's Trek Mix. i love the one that is nothing but craisins, cashews and almonds. yum.

really, i guess that's it. i didn't have much of anything to say today but i felt like giving some kudos to a couple of my latest obsessions.

the most perfect man in the world

2009-01-03T13:52:00.003-06:00

the most perfect man in my world is married to me. cheers to seven years together. i love him for everything that he is, everything he works for, hopes for, laughs about, and gives.

seven years ago, he chased me around a bar all night. seven years ago i started dating him thinking he was a rebound boy to date and help boost my self esteem and part ways. seven years have flown by. i have never loved or been loved like i am right this minute.

surviving christmas. just barely.

2008-12-27T22:40:00.004-06:00

after our trek to see the doctor last monday, i was told that both my son and i had strep throat. he also had double ear infections. we had dualing coughs, fevers, the works. we left with matching mommy-&-me antibiotic prescriptions.

and thus began five days of hell. mine was fine and little by little i am almost back to 100%. my child's antibiotic, however, made him even sicker. i will spare you the details but mark my words, he will NEVER take that medication again. he has hardly eaten in over a week but his appetite has finally started to reemerge.

Christmas was wonderful, aside from feeling like death was knocking at my door. my family and friends showered my son with so many great gifts. he scored such things as a toddler size drum set, a huge train table set up, a tool bench, tons of books and clothes. we took dozens of pictures of the present opening but because the boy was so sickly, he has a nasty runny nose in almost every single one. this is the initial thrill with the drums.

and this is my little man rocking his first drum solo while little cousin in her brand new jammies looks on.

so here's hoping nobody else catches the crud we had. all the kids in the family had it and half of us adults had it as well. i also hope that your christmas was as wonderful and fulfilling as mine was.

time to put this old girl down.

2008-12-22T10:58:00.002-06:00

just take me out to the barn and humanely euthanize me, please. i am quite certain i have pneumonia and probably some other lung-digesting disease as well. the sickness is sucking the stregth right out of my bones and muscles. in the last few days i have become one feeble, exhausted, dying lump of whimpering and coughing flesh.

i managed to get a doctor's appointment today and they are willing to see both me and my son at the same time since we are both gulping our last breaths and withering away from the same ailment. hopefully we can survive just a few more hours to make it into town to the clinic.

i am rather looking forward to the doctor's office. i can safely doze and let the hellion sickly toddler roam around the exam room which willbe kid-safe with no worries. doctors are always running late so i can pretty much count on getting a good hour long snooze there. note to self: take a pillow and blanket.

drink up my words and my twisty black thoughts because surely you understand the heaviness of malady now. i may not be back to share my thoughts again...

Merry Christmas or happy whatever winter holiday you may celebrate. may you find much love and joy this week.

bah humbug.

2008-12-19T21:47:00.006-06:00

too much is happening around me, about me, with me and without me. my thoughts have been going ninety to nothing lately as i am trying to keep up with everything and attempt to maintain some shread of my newly found and cherished sanity. my god, it seems that heartache and pain is striking so many people lately, i almost feel guilty taking any pleasure out of anything i do.

two very important things i need to say.
1. the previously mentioned person in need of an organ transplant has found a match. this is a very big and important step in getting her heathier. this is wonderful news.

2. my oldest and best friend on the planet lost a grandparent on wednesday evening. to her family, i am so very sorry. i love you all and my deepest sympathies go out to you. this time of the year has been so hard for your crew the last few years but i know that you are a strong and loving family and that will help you all cope.

in my own world, i am sick AGAIN, as is my son. my mother was in a hit and run accident last weekend. i have crippling cramps. a selfish and manipulative member of my extended family is making everyone insane with her awful behavior. i have friends who have lost family members and pets this week. i am simply spent: physically, emotionally and mentally.

just give me a couple of days. once i can get a handle on this cold or flu or whatever it is, i will bounce back. but for now i am run completely down.

bummed

2008-12-06T06:02:00.002-06:00

reader(s), there is nothing worse than feeling helpless. (see the entry below this one) sigh...

tonight is the christmas party for my husband's job. i don't even want to go. i don't feel much like going and plastering on a fake smile and pretending to enjoy the company of those other ridiculously superficial schlumberger wives. usually i am at least looking forward to the night of free booze, but even that doesn't even interest me today. yes, i am truly sad for my friend.

my heart hurts for a friend

2008-12-05T23:29:00.002-06:00

i have a friend who is truly in need of a medical miracle for a member of her family. this friend is a wonderfully funny and smart and generous person. she has a smile and laugh that can light up a room. she works hard and is a good mother who would walk to the ends of the earth for her family. she tackles challenges with her head up.

nobody ever said life was fair, but damn, this is so unfair. this family shouldn't have to be in this position. i just can't imagine the fear and pain and stress. i can't imagine knowing that when you are in need of a transplant organ, that somebody else will have to lose their life to save yours.

if you pray, please pray. if you shake chicken bones, please shake them. if you are one with the universe, please put in a request that this family find some peace by way of a successful transplant.

i miss my husband: a whine

2008-12-01T22:54:00.002-06:00

wah. call me a wahmbulance and feed me a wahmburger. give me some cheese because i want to whine.

my husband had to go to work to go on a job 3 hours from home, yesterday at 5 pm. he expected to get in by midday today. as if that wasn't sucky enough, nothing went as expected. which IS actually somewhat expected in the oilfield.

more than 24 hours later they are still in the same spot, with no progress and still don't know when they get to come home. he hasn't showered. he has barely had a couple hours to nap. it's been windy as hell outside and sorta cold.

i want my husband to come home. i want him to go to sleep next to me and steal the covers all night. i actually miss his pointy ass elbows jabbing into my back and sides. i want to cook him lasagne and i want to curl up on the couch with him once saaquatch gets put to bed.

right before i married him, another schlumberger wife who is old enough to be my mother warned me it would be like this. she told me i would live alone, raise any future chuildren alone, i would essentially be a widow. a schlumberger widow.

she was right. and while in the grand scheme of things i am ok with that, right now i am not. my husband's job provides for us and will hopefully keep providing for us until he retires in another 20 years or so. but i don't have to like it. i don't have to like him being gone on 20 hour work days and sometimes 36-72 hour "workdays". i don't have to like single parenting. i don't have to like sleeping alone. i don't have to like signing his name to cards because he is never home when it comes time to sign them.

i miss my husband and i want him to come home.

hey look it's me!

2008-11-30T19:26:00.002-06:00

in case you aren't paying close attention, please note that i have finally added a photo of myself and my darling boy to the blog. look it's right over there on the right hand side. yeah, for the record, i almost always have sunglasses on if i am awake. even when i am inside all day and haven't been outside, chances are i will have sunglasses on my head as a headband.

i love the picture. it was taken by my friend Rhonda Tolar who does beautiful photography. she recently came by my place to take a bunch of pictures of my son for us and they all came out wonderfully. if you are in louisiana or eastern texas and you need a photographer, get in touch with her and see if you can't strike up a deal. you won't be sorry.

i need a christmas sherpa

2008-11-30T19:18:00.002-06:00

i am feeling so festive this year. for the first time in ages i am EXCITED about christmas. i want my tree and deorations up. NOW.

i have a problem, however. i hate the actual decorating. i hate dragging the boxes in out of the shed... and praying there are no snakes or mice in it. i hate unpacking it all. i hate putting the tree together. and most of all, i hate putting the lights and ornaments on the tree. don't get me wrong, i love them once they are up. i just can not stand getting it all put up.

a christmas sherpa would be sublime. somebody to come in and assist while looking out for my best interest while putting up my decorations. that would free me up for my favorite two holiday activities of baking and wrapping gifts.

where might i find my very own sherpa?

thanksgiving: so welcome this year

2008-11-27T07:44:00.002-06:00

alas friends, it is a day of giving thanks. why do we only dedicate one day a year to this? in a world where times are getting tougher for nearly everyone, it is my opinion that we should spend more time being appreciative of the joys we DO have in our daily lives.

i am up. it's early. why am i up? because my perfectly unperfect child woke me up at 5:30. again. but i was so happy to hear his happy chattering through the baby monitor. we tried for a long time to get pregnant and i had all but given up on ever having a child. the weeks before i found out i was pregnant and the few weeks following were incredibly difficult for my family. one of my nephews who was born with very serious health problems passed away after living his entire life in NICU. and then my husband's dog, who was a beloved member of our family passed away. i have also been told that i will probably not be able to get pregnant again. my child is a blessing and through all the heartache and struggle with him, he is a gem. i could not possibly love another human being any more than i love him.

my husband. he has saved my life. he has saved me from myself. he makes me laugh and challenges me with our head-butting stubbornness every single day. he is, in the truest sense of the phrase, my other half. so cliche, but i have to say he truly completes me.

my brother. my beloved big brother. i love you so much. i am so proud of you for holding your head up and charging through the last few years with your head up and managing to land now in your wonderful new house. you are my hero and i know we don't say shit like that enough but i mean it. i just wish you could be here with us on this feasting day. i was listening to Alice's restaurant already this morning and i thought if you and how much fun you would be sitting on the group W bench.

my extended family. wonderful folks. strong hardworking people who would give you the shirt off their back and the food on their plates. i love that we are having a BBQ today rather than the traditional thanksgiving meal.

we have a roof over our heads, that didn't get destroyed in the latest hurricane. we have food. we pay our bills (mostly on time, haha) and we get by. my husband works himself to the bone to provide for us and do us right.

i have friends that tickle my funny bone everyday. i have friends that get me and accept me for my shortcomings and celebrate my strengths with me. i have friends that have been through similar issues with their kids, friends that even though they have no kids, always know the right answers, friends who are old enough to be my mother. friends who fall into every category across the spectrum. they are all far away, but i hope they know i love them.

i am so lucky. and i am so thankful. it's been a hell of a year since last thanksgiving. but i am here. i feel GOOD. i am living again and celebrating the simpleness of my life and lavishing in it. please take time today to reflect on your own life. tell the ones closest to you that you love them. just. be. greatful.

now if you will excuse me, i need to get to the shower and start getting ready for a day of laughs, drinking, eating, and giving thanks with most of the people i love best in this world. those that aren't with me, know that you are in my thoughts today.

getting caught up in a moment and regret

2008-11-14T13:32:00.002-06:00

did you ever say something to somebody when you were caught up in a mment and the realize later that it was a lie? then you feel like hammered shit because 1) you know you have been dishonest and 2) because you will have to tell them that you didn't really mean what you said and thus hurting them.

crap.

i hate that i lead this person to believe something. i also hate that i allowed myself to get caught up in a little warm fuzzy moment and say things that weren't entirely true. what i hate the most is that the other person in this scenario is a really decent person who hasn't ever done anything wrong by be.

crap.

has it been that long?

2008-11-12T08:19:00.003-06:00

time flies, no? many thoughts, so today you get a 'musings' post.

- it has rained a shocking amount here in the last 2 days. we litterally have 3-5 inches of standing water over most of our front yard and land behind the house. i love hearing the rain, but damn! our ditches are already full, the groud is obviously completely saturated, we have a lake now. if the rain continues i don't think i will even be able to get my little roller skate of a car out of the driveway!

- my husband killed a deer! hunting season started on november 1st and this was his first time ever being on a deer lease. he built his deer stand this past summer and got it out there. three days before hunting season started, wild hogs knocked over and destroyed his feeder and he was devastated. however, a new one was put up immediately. so the other morning just as he was deciding to call it a day in the stand, he saw this beautiful doe wander near his stand. he shot her, tagged her, and brought her home.

we cleaned and gutted and butchered the deer ourselves. this was of course all brand new to me. i was fascinated, because i am an anatomy dork. the meat all sat on ice for a couple of days to get the remaining blood out and last night we and my in laws feasted on back strap, red beans, and mashed potatoes. yummmmmm.

- christmas shopping is going fabulously well. for once i actually have ideas for EVERY. FREAKING. ONE on my list and many of the gifts have been purchased or ordered. wait, except for my brother. dammit. i love him to death but i have no clue what to get him. he is hard to shop for. are you reading this brother? you are hard to shop for. give me some ideas that won't break me, please!

- don't lie to me. don't lie to my friends. i had a sick feeling on my heart/gut recently because somebody that i thought was a trustworthy person denied denied denied that she was aware of a situation that everyone else was seriously stressing about. not cool. in my book, that's a lie and she intentionally allowed people to worry for no reason. this makes me sad.

on melancholy mixed with nostalgia

2008-11-03T15:57:00.002-06:00

as a friend of mine frequently says, le sigh. that is exactly how i feel right now. excuse me while i lecture myself.

don't ever wonder what might have been. just don't. life is what it is. all wondering does is wake up a bunch of old thoughts that have been long since put to bed and burried.

now snap out of it, dammit.

le sigh....

usually i kinda dread the holiday season

2008-11-01T16:03:00.003-05:00

lots of really crappy holidays behind me paired with the fact that i hate trying to come up with appropriate gifts for people make me want to hide out from november until january. and of course money is a HUGE issue this year also.

but something is different now. i already have a good jump start on my holiday gift shopping. i have bene trying to buy a little bit along the way for a while now so that we aren't hit in the wallet all at once in december. and, i have heard several friends either tell me or i've read in their blogs that they are stoked about the holiday season being upon us. and let me tell ya, that cheer has worn off on me. it makes me feel a little woozy.

for thanksgiving my family is having a barbeque. yes, forget turkey and dressing. my awesome family is going to barbeque and have potato salad and baked beans and my sister in law's wonderful home made mac and cheese that nobody can ever duplicate. personally, i think she bakes crack in it, but probably not. we'll eat brisket and ribs and drink beer. and we will give thanks.

hell yes. my mind is finally in a really good and sound place. this year thanksgiving feels really special to me. it's been one hell of a year, and i stress hell. between the hospital and what lead up to it, the hurricane, finances, and all the joys stresses of my angelic little monster i have never felt more greatful and appreciative of what i really have.

and for Christmas - the whole huge extended family will be here at the compoond. that is another thing i am really thankful for. it means that we won't have to travel and especially that my husband's grandma is going to love having everyone together at once. we'll do a big traditional meal with baked turkey, deep fried turkey, ham, chicken and dumplings, all the sides, and countless pies because we do so love us some pie.

so apparently bah-humbug-halfy will not be joining the festivities this year. it's gonna be tiny tim halfy. bet you're getting scared, aren't you?

food for thought

2008-10-25T21:32:00.001-05:00

what would you say?

"somebody gave me this phone. she said i could talk to god but i don't know what to say. i want you to have it."

andy warhol to jim morrison in the movie the Doors

if you a direct phone line to god or the diety of your choice, what would you say or ask? would you even take advantage of such a thing?

film genius, musical genius, psychotic drugged poet

2008-10-25T20:54:00.004-05:00

i love the music of the doors. i love the oliver stone film about them. i love jim morrison's writing - his poetry and his lyrics.

both the film and the music of the doors takes me back to a place in my life where i was desperate. it was a desperation for change, for control, for wanting to be noticed and wanting to fit in within a crowd at the same time. i was a freshman at the University of Arizona at that time. i am not sure when the film came out, but it was either 1996 or 1997 when i finally saw it.

my soul was tortured and morrison's words resonated with me. they made sense and i felt them. i drank too much and ended up giving myself ulcer's from my stress and worry.

i have since grown up. i have grown old. ok, so i am only 30 now, but i am world's away from where i was then. many days i feel like a very old soul. listening to, watching, reliving the doors is comforting. sure, it reminds me of my own pain at that time. however, it also makes me nostalgic. it reminds me of long late summer nights with friends. parties. the college experience. drugs. the words and notes remind me of trying to figure who i really was. i was still basking in the glory of being a highschool superstar. furiously working towards a career goal that has long since been deserted.

i don't know what it is about jim morrison and the doors. morrison walked a fine line between genius artist and completely fucked up lunatic. i guess everyone's baggage pros and cons.

saturday morning haiku

2008-10-25T07:12:00.002-05:00

headache pounding brain
needs strong coffee IV stat
evil addiction

yeah. about that. i really do seem to have quite the caffeine problem anymore. when i wake up in the morning with a splitting headache because i haven't had any caffeine in my system since 4:30 the previous afternoon, that may be a asign to start cutting back.

i love my coffee. i love my diet coke. it hurts my heart (and head) to think of having less of them in my life. let us share a moment of silence.

who am i kidding? i won't be cutting back. just living with more shame about my addiction taht at times rules and steers my life like an astrological phenomenon.

how much sense does this make?

2008-10-21T13:23:00.003-05:00

none. i will just tell you that the answer is that it makes no damn sense whatsoever.

the big scary tree that lives, grows, exists, and terrorizes me right behind our house was damaged in hurricane Rita in 2005. it wasn't bad damage, but it was damaged. it got even more damage in last month's hurricane ike. there are several ginormous branches that are broken or nearly broken but are stuck, hung up or dangling in the other foilage on the tree.

this poor old losing its beauty oak tree needs to be professionally removed. every time the wind blows i fear that part or all of the tree is going to land on my roof and therefore crush my happy little aluminum trailer house.

finally, over a month after the last hurricane, Texas Farm Bureau Insurance company sent their inspectors out to assess our damage and see what they could help with. sure, we have damged fence lines. the skirting around the bottom of the house is about 90% wrecked or gone completely. the back door won't even close and we have tape, yes tape, sealing bugs out around the edge of the door. and the whole house is very unlevel. everything in our fridge and freezer was ruined. we will probably receive money to help with all that.

but do you know what? until that big ass tree that looms over our roof actually falls and does damage to our structure, they can't do a damn thing about it. now again, how much sense does that make? it is a big threat to our home. it would cost much less for them to help with the cost of hiring tree guys than it will to oh... let's say replace a whole entire house and its contents when the tree crushes our house like an empty beer can.

fuck. here's hoping that the estimate for all of our other damage will pay for getting the tree removed. i couldn't care less about the bent fence on the back of the back forty. i am sure we can salvage some of our skirting ourselves also. just get the thorn in my side, or rather the tree looming over us like a black rain cloud, gone.

the very best things in life

2008-10-16T13:01:00.002-05:00

fair readers, let me warn you all that today's blog is a little warm and fuzzy. it may even boarder on being a bit sickening to some of you that are rather used to my potty mouth and sarcasm. if you are prepared, read on. if not, try again in a few days and i may have something else to talk about by then.

i am a bit of a germ-o-phobe. before having a kid, the mere thought of a petting zoo grossed me out. how on earth could somebody go in there, touch animals, feed animals and not wash their hands with hot soapy water upon exiting? i mean really.

considering that we live in a rural part of the world and this week is the week of the annual county fair event, we had to go naturally. it's not called a fair but an exposition TVE actually). there is a carnival, but it's not large. there is an exhibition hall, but it's mostly just local candidates trying to smile and wave at the most people. there is fried food booths, but mostly it's barbequed meats that folks buy. and the main reason people go is the animals.

it seems to me that a majority of the kids in this area are involved in 4H or FFA. kids out here know how to raise animals. they know how to care for livestock. 40 pound 6 year old girls show cattle that out weigh their entire families. so we took our kid to go see the animals.

i was afraid that he wouldn't care. he is indifferent yet to so many things on account of the fact that he is only 2 and is still quite unsure of the world. however, right inside the entrance to the TVE is the petting zoo and pony rides. it was raining so the pony rides were out. DAMN. i so wanted him to ride a pony. i never got to do a pony ride as a child and i really needed him to do it so i could live vicariously through him. anyhow, all of the ponies from the pony ride were in the tent with the rest of the petting zoo animals. i paid my fifty cents for a cup of "feed" and took the little man in.

the next few minutes filled me with so much pride and simple unadulterated joy, i could have cried. my baby loved feeding the animals. he was so gentle and interested in them. he didn't spaz and freak out. he didn't whack any of the animals with his kung fu chops. he didn't scream. he was amazing. i was so proud of him and surprised that he enjoyed it so much that i forgot about my germmy animal issues and i began feeding the goats and sheep and ponies right out of the palm of my hand as well. and it was really damn fun. it was a perfect few minutes shared between us and it was even more perfect when i looked up to make sure my husband was watching our son and i could see the pride and happiness in his face as well.

we eventually got around to touring the livestock barns and looking at all the cattle, sheep, pigs, goats, chickens and rabbits that were to be shown at this year's expo. seeing a kid light up with excitement and wonder at new sights, smells and sounds is great. i just hope he keeps that interest in animals and when he gets big enough we can keep some pigs or goats and learn all about raising them.

a most unglamourous morning

2008-10-11T09:59:00.002-05:00

those that know me know that i don't wear make-up. i don't fix my hair any special way. i am not a fashion maven. however, this morning made my normal appearance look as though i had just hopped out of the pages of a trendy magazine.

last night the giant toddler got sick. right at bedtime he started a sad little cough. by 11 pm, he had woken himself up with coughing and crying a couple of times. it went downhill from there.

he couldn't lay down without coughing. i finally gave in and accepted that he needed rest and if he didn't get it, neither of us would. so i sat up on the couch holding him all night so he could be somewhat upright.

by the time 5 am rolled around and very little sleep by me, we were a mess. i had baby drool and snot all over my shirt. my hair was a ratty mess, my glasses bent. my boy had peed so much in his sleep that his diaper leaked all over both of us and we were both wearing wet pajamas. yuck. the cough medicine i had tried to convince him to take in the darkness last night had dripped all over both of us in a sticky pink mess. we put on clean pajamas and returned to the couch where we both slept like rocks for about 2 hours.

there is simply nothing that makes a mom more unpretty than caring for a sick little one. now if you will excuse me i will be bathing and doing laundry...

more rambling late night thoughts while eating cheez-its

2008-10-08T22:10:00.005-05:00

for starters, i feel like my emotional well being has been upended in the last week. it's funny how something one person says out of real honest concern can rip another to shreads.

i had made peace with the fact that my kid is 2 years old and doesn't talk yet. i have worked through feeling like a complete and total shit of a mother for not "teaching" my child to talk. i have gotten over feeling like a complete jackass for wasting a ton of money and putting my son through a battery of unpleasant medical tests when i believed when somebody told me he was possibly autistic. i am now medicated after dealing with the dark depths of depression thta was only made worse when a developmental therapist told me that my baby's lack of speech was my fault.

and then comes the blind side. it hit me like a freight train when somebody i love dearly told me that she was still extremely worried about my son and that she seriously believes he is very delayed and needed more speech therapy.

the fact of the matter is that he does say a few words. he tries, dammit. he interacts now. he laughs, makes faces, uses gestures and follows directions. so the fuck what if he doesn't put 2 words together yet or use verbs? so what? we are doing our damn best as parents and anyone who has an issue with the way we are raising my darling boy can fucking suck it.

wow, that felt good.

don't you just hate when somebody takes a horrible tragedy in another's life and turns it into their very own drama parade. suddenly it's all about them... god, i hate that. and said person is apparently going to be under my nose for a couple of months now.

remember in the movie tombstone when Wyatt Earp first walks into The Oriental and the guy dealing cards is trash talking everyone? he says something to the effect of "christ almighty! it's like i'm sittin' here playin' cards with my brother's kids or sumthin'. you nerve wrackin' sons of bitches..." that really describes most interaction with miss-it's-all-about-me-drama-llama.

what goes through the minds of some folks? do people seriously use actual chicken bones as part of halloween costumes? i am looking for a plastic bone to be used as part of a BamBam Rubble costume. it was suggested to me that i use a chicken bone. yes, i know all the meat and grease could be scraped off but seriously? fuck no. i don't want every dog, cat, and raccoon within a mile radius of where my spawn is trick-or-treating to track him down and pounce on him. he IS a very large two year old, but i doubt very much that he could single handedly take on a pack of animals. i say single handed because i can guarandamntee you that is a bunch of crazed hungry animals start coming after him, my ass is gonna be hightailing it in another direction.

and really. let's remember folks that i am a city slicker. i haven't ever had a need to clean a chicken carcus. i buy boneless chicken parts to cook simply because i am a wee bit grossed out at biting chicken or any meat off the bone. i don't like doing it. i will do it if say it's a meal of chicken fried by my inlaws because that is a special kind of heavenly deliciousness, but otherwise, NO. and hell to the no way am i putting an old for real chicken bone on my kid. jeezus.

i wanted a tarp. FEMA Nancy didn't give me one. damn her. who really cares if we didn't have a need for a tarp? she should have brought me one anyhow.

so the universe is a strange place

2008-10-07T23:00:00.004-05:00

remember my neighbors that were just certain that somebody was trying to gain unlawful entry to their home the other night? these same neighbors have admitted to poisoning dogs that wander into their yard. they also have been known to shoot firearms wrecklessly across their yard and in the direction of my family's property when we have been outside.

yeah, them. well, their house burnt up on sunday.

they have a history of burning the trash that they toss into their back yard. and it stinks. bad. so my husband and i are sitting in the house on sunday afternoon and we smell the stench of something burning. one of us commented that the neighbor must be burning trash again.

a few minutes later we hear sirens and horns of the volunteer firefighters' trucks. one of us commented that the neighbor probably set the house on fire. the other one of us chuckled because the notion seemed entirely unfathomable at that time.

so we go look to see where the trucks are going and what is happening and sure enough the neighbors' home in on fire. smoke is so thick outside that it is painful to breathe. they walked out of their house with nothing. if no foul play (insurance fraud) was involved, this means that these folks lost all their worldly possessions. regardless of how screwy they are, that's just sad.

rumor has it that the fire appeared to be the result of some electrical malfunction in the attic space, not a trash fire that wasn't properly tended to. who knows? i will leave it to the insurance adjusters and the fire inspectors to decide.

karma is a heartless bitch, so be good to other people and animals.

things that go bump, or rather BANG, in the night

2008-10-04T13:30:00.003-05:00

so there i was last night. all chillax in the living room with my husband and we hear a BANG outside. husband says, "that sounded like a gun shot." to which i replied "because it was."

so about 15-20 minutes later my father in law, who if you will remember lives next door, comes walking up on our front porch. he has a mag lite in one hand, a pistol in the other and he is wearing nothing but a pair of shorts. a beautiful picture, let me tell ya.

apparently the neighbor on the other side of his house said she saw somebody trying to break into her bedroom window. she has a single shot rifle and so she fired her only shot "over the guy's head" and caused him to run off. ummm, ok.

so husband grabs his handgun and his mag lite. we both throw on flip flops and head outside. the three of us walk the back of our fenceline and visually skim every corner and possible hiding place in our back pasture. nobody is there.

by this point, i am nerved up. i am a little freaked out. no, i am a lot freaked out. i hated living in houston because of the crime. country life suits me just fine because there is virtually nothing bad happening out here besides an occasional drug bust or a drunken domestic violence call. the very idea of a person with ill intentions creeping around in the darkenss outside my house gives me chills.

so we finally come back inside. husband keeps his handgun loaded. he loads his .22 and has it ready as well. about 30 minutes later we hear another damn gun shot. seriously? seriously? is this "let's entirely fuck up halfy's head night"? nothing was happening outside.

there were no neighbors outside talking and the law never did come even though they were called. as the rest of the evening went on, i kind of decided that the neighbor who claims to have seen the would-be intruder is a bit off her rocker. their back yard is a dump. more than likely she saw a raccoon or a 'possum bopping around outside her window and didn't know better.

you would think that even stupid criminal types would know better than to try to jack with red neck country folks. i mean, everyone out here is armed. pretty much everyone out here would shoot to maim if not kill. and really, from the house that was supposedly targeted, there was no where to go but back out onto the highway and be seen. idiots.

surprisingly i slept like a log last night. nothing else went "BANG"!

time flies

2008-09-29T12:43:00.005-05:00

yesterday was my precious baby's second birthday. it's so cliche, but i must agree that time flies and that they grow up so fast. what other cliches? how about that he defines unconditional love?

i was in labor with the little devil for 24 hours and finally had to have an emergency c-section. that pretty much paved the road for him to be a royal pain in the ass ever since. but god, how i love him. i just can't imagine our lives without him, now. doesn't he look thrilled?

he is still a baby in our eyes. the fact is, besides his cousins (two of which live a couple thousand miles away), he has no friends. so he had no big fabulous party. there is time for spendy gimicky flashy birthday parties when he gets old enough to remember them. we had cake with the family and opened presents. he had a blast.

when he thought nobody was looking, i caught him sticking his finger into the cake and having a lick.

i planted some seeds last year

2008-09-27T12:44:00.002-05:00

and some of them grew.

what the hell am i talking about? some astrological mumbo-jumbo. i don't know. it seemed like a good idea at the time.

i was told that any seeds, literal or figurative, planted in the time between a solar eclipse and the next full moon would be very significant to us 6 months down the road. the task was to make up a list of 100 goals or desires that the list writer would like to see come to fruition in the next year. seal up the list and don't look at it for one year. when the year has passed, look at your list and see what has "grown".

i only came up with 38, not 100. about 20 of them came to fruition. my closet was cleaned out. i have lost some weight (not all that i wanted, but about half), i am more active and exercise pretty regularly. i failed in the realm of quitting smoking and a few other things. it's very interesting to me to look back and see where my head was then, especially considering everything that i have been through in the last 12 months.

i have no clue when eclipses and full moons and such happen. i don't care one way or the other about astronomy or astrology. however, i really like this idea. i think i will sit down and create a new list of things i'd like to see myself accomplish in the next year. i hate new year's resolutions. they always seem to be grandiose and unattainable by about January 3rd.

what seeds will i plant? what seeds would you plant?

just what the half needed

2008-09-24T15:20:00.002-05:00

a weekend to laugh myself silly, drink too much, and just generally forget the rest of my life.

a weekend with girlfriends will surely cure what ails you and in my case i want to thank everyone that was a part because it was some very very much needed therapy. love you all and can't wait to do it again!

hurricane recovery

2008-09-24T15:00:00.003-05:00

ike came in on a friday night and saturday morning.

on thursday afternoon my husband, child, SIL and neice headed to my brother's sturdy brick apartment building where we hibernated until sunday morning. the first side of the storm was not bad for us. the eye passed over us and i thought "well, the second half shouldn't be much worse than the first. it was. or at least it seemed to be.

thanks to my brother having a generator, we watched news coverage all night and all day on friday and saturday. the kids slept but none of adults got more than a couple of hours. it was exhausting and surreal.

when we came home we had trees uprooted everywhere. thank the universe that my home had no structural damage and the rest of my family here had only minimal house damage. we spent an entire week just cutting up trees that had fallen and cleaning the yards. there is still work to be done and work in progress.

the electricity was out for a week and a day. our water was off and on for the first several days. since my father in law has a camper with a generator and air condidtioning, the whole family piled up in there each night so that we could at least get some cool sleep.

it was a shitty week. things are still shitty but i have to be grateful that things weren't any worse than they were. so many people had so much more destruction and loss than we did. my family is fine and that matters most.

we were told our elctricity could take four to six weeks to be back on and i nearly cried and kissed the linemen on the mouth when they got us back up and running when they did.

it seems odd to me that it's now late september. during the last couple of weeks my entire world has been about hurricane preparation, survival, and recovery. that there was more going on in the world besides this is almost foreign. presidential campaign? middle east crisis? huh?

i have very mixed and scattered thoughts about this whole experience. this was only my second real hurricane. i know that as long as i live here there will be more, but i could really do without them. as more things come to mind about it all, i'm sure i will spew them out here. but life goes on, it has to.

i just want to get some sleep

2008-09-10T00:32:00.001-05:00

but my mind won't stop.

thanks to Ike, the bastard banshee of a storm, i am all uneasy.

i find myself somewhat complacent after Gustav threatened and then left us greatfully underwhelmed here. i don't want to shop tomorrow. i don't want to pack bags. i don't want to spend any amount of time hunkered down in someone else's house for safety. and mostly i don't want to worry about what shape my house will be in after the storm. IF, in fact, the storm even hits us.

gah. i laid down in bed 2 hours ago. my body is painfully exhausted. i got back up 1 hour ago becuase just laying there knowing i am not sleeping does nothing more than piss me off.

i have running lists going on, mentally. the list of things that i must take for the kid. the things that are sentimentally valuable such as photographs. the things that fall into the "important papers" category, the things i can't live without (my leave-in conditioner), the things i need to re-stock up on like drinking water and peanut butter and mindless crap magazines to help me pass the possible time with no power.

anyhow, normally when i absolutely can't sleep, i will take one single bendryl and then be comatose within 30 minutes. but now it's too late. if i take a bene now, i will end up even more groggy and exhausted tomorrow.

fucking hurricane. i don't need this shit. and it probably won't even affect us.

we are, in fact, a hurricane magnet

2008-09-09T10:32:00.002-05:00

yet another hurricane is coming our way... maybe.

we had edouard. then we were threatened with Gustav, which thankfully changed course at the last minute and hit Louisisana rather than the northeaster Texas coast. now we have Ike brewing around in the gulf.

it was supposedly headed exactly at us yesterday but as of the weather forecasters this morning it may be hitting the southern Texas coast now.

who knows?

i am just sick to death of the anticipation. the stocking up on crap ass pre packaged foods that won't go bad if the electricity goes out. it's so stressful waiting and watching a friggin storm as if we have nothing more productive to do. really!

a 4 wheelin' we will go

2008-09-02T14:05:00.005-05:00

my sweet boy will turn 2 at the end of september. he is a very very large 23 month old. he is a monster and he has earned the nickname sasquatch among some.

my son's grandpa (Papa) bought him an early birthday present. Papa and Mimi have been talking about getting him a Power Wheels vehicle of some sort since he fist took an interest in his cousin's pink power wheels harley davidson.

yesterday after nap time Mimi and Papa called us over to their house - they live next door, remember. we go over and there on the patio is a shiney blue power wheels 4 wheeler. little man's eyes got as big as saucers. after a couple of minutes of eye balling it, he was in love and had to try it out.

he can't steer yet. and i am not sure if he 100% understands that the pedal to push with his foot is what makes it go and to stop he must pick up his foot, but nonetheless, he LOVES it.

what a lucky family we are. lucky to have such a sweet kid. lucky that our child has such wonderfully loving and generous grandparents who live right next door.

this is him late last evening. his eyes show how tired he is. but isn't he precious? (i know i'm not least little bit biased).

slow sunday and a handful of thoughts

2008-08-24T13:29:00.003-05:00

- i got a new tattoo on friday night. it is an excerpt from a love poem by ee cummings. although it's a love poem in terms of romantic love, i saw that most of it really hit home with me about how much i love my kid, and how he is so much a part of me. so now, near the top of my back is the following verse:

i carry your heart with me (i carry it in my heart)

check out the whole poem sometime. it's really nice. i've been told that it is read at the end of the movie "in her shoes". however Cameron Diaz is in that movie and i can NOT stand her so i will not be seeing it. ever.

- my newest addiction is chocolate teddy grahams. great. i bought them for my son because he likes them better than real cookies. too bad i have now eaten almost the entire box. nasty little devil bears. sorry cheez-its, chocolate teddy grahams have bumped you down my list of preferred snack foods.

- i am really proud of myself for exercising. really. i know that's lame and shit, but i am patting myself on the back. almost every day for the last couple of weeks i have either gone to the park to walk with the child in the stroller or else gotten up super early and gone to the gym to run on the treadmill before my dearest husband gets up. now, if i could just put down the teddy grahams, i might see some results.

- beer is good. yeah, duh. it's so nice to get to go out every once in a while and just have a couple of cheap beers at the local dive. of course out her ein east jesus, texas all there are are dive bars. but heay, the ambience is great and you are never underdressed. by the way, i love beer. it's good.

- the september weekend getawy is getting closer and closer and dammit i am so tickled. i am so excited i can hardly stand myself. miss type A plan ahead and organize the hell out of everything here already knows exactly what clothes i will be packing. i am sick, i tell ya. austin, here i come. getting to see everyone is going to make my whole year.

- i am thinking about making my kid be Bam Bam (of flintstones fame) for halloween. we could just let his hair get a bit shaggy before then and i could whip him up an animal print loin cloth. he already loves carrying around his big yellow baseball bat and whacking things with it (poor Wyatt takes lots of abuse).

the fine art of keeping one's mouth shut

2008-08-21T13:25:00.002-05:00

don't you just hate when something is sort of your business but really, to say anything aloud about it would be none of your business? an issue impacts you and everyone around you but it would be entirely out of line to speak up? being a person who dislikes making waves or calling any unnecessary attention to myself keeps the duct tape tightly sealed over my mouth.

i also know that even if a polite attempt was made at addressing the issue, it certainly wouldn't help. some people are just so defensive and unopen to constructive criticism that the situation would most certainly errupt into something rivaling mount vesuvius.

instead, a handful of people sit idly by, not saying a word and stewing. simmering, bubbling. we are all suffering at the selfishness of one person. we are not a calm and patient people. i hate this issue and i hate that it will get ugly sooner or later. i don't see any epiphanies happening in the near future that would change that.

this sucks. hmmmph.

McMom checking in

2008-08-16T13:37:00.002-05:00

so after my last entry about needing to slim down and start making some healthier choices for myself, McMommy decided that a jaunt through the mcdonald's drive through was a great idea for lunch.

toddler was all over his cheeseburger. this is fabulous for me. he is not a meat eater. he eats hot dogs and those vile disgusting horrid things called vienna sausages. i can't ever get him to eat home cooked (or restaurant cooked) chicken, beef, pork, fish, anything. a couple of weeks ago my sister in law picked him up a happy meal and he did eat it pretty well which was what inspired today's attempt. he was so cute holding his sandwich like a big boy rather than having it broken up into smaller pieces. he also generously fed his last little bit of lunch to the dog when he was finished with it.

tonight we are eating vegetables and tomorrow, hopefully, it's back to either the gym or the walking trails to burn off my McFatAss.

peer pressure or vanity or fatty needs to slim down

2008-08-15T11:53:00.002-05:00

i am going on a smallish vacation in september. okay, so it's a road trip to austin to spend the weekend with some girlfriends. however, cnhubby mc jiggly gut here needs to get on the ball to get into some better shape. my trip is my inspiration.

after not exercising at all during the month of June - due to extreme illness and out of twon guests, i am at square one again. when my husband has days off, i manage to get to the fitness center and get on a treadmill... most of the time. it's hard making myself go when i know i can't run like i used to. however, the last two days i have loaded toddler child into the car and taken him to our local city park.

he gets a nice shady ride in a big cooshy stroller while i swelter and sweat and burn about a jillion calories for at least 45 minutes while pushing him all around the walking trails through the park. yay me.

when i was so ill during June, i managed to lose seven pounds in one week. it's easy to do when everything down to the tiniest sip of water is puked up within minutes, and then you continue to puke even though nothing has been ingested into your body for 2 days...

here's hoping that by mid september i can lose at least 5 pounds. here's also hoping that i will keep myself going. toddler loves the park, so there is some benefit for him too. happy toddler equals happy mama.

when i met myhusband i wavered between 105 and 110 pounds. i wore a size 2 jeans. i fantacize about being that tiny and healthy again. i say healthy because back then i used to run at least a couple of miles every damn day. now i have the stretchmarked, foppy nasty post baby pouch on my stomach and i can't get rid of it. blah.

so to steal a sentiment from my friend Angie who recently had a weight loss blog entry, i need to make this my mantra now: run fat ass, run!

things are pretty damn good today

2008-08-09T13:11:00.003-05:00

just some random musings here...

- it's amazing how an adrenaline rush can give you some freakish super human strength. when somebody is so incredibly out of shape as i am can out of nowhere do what i did last night, it's something. let's just say that everything turned out ok, but fear and motherly instinct can make a body capable of astonishing feats.

- my boys are both sleeping. my adorable husband has passed out on the couch and my precious toddler is sound asleep in his crib. it's so nice to have my husband home for a few hours duing daylight hours. even if he is passed out in a solid man nap.

- the kid is just getting smarter and smarter by the day. he makes me smile so much i feel like a damn goon. almost a year ago i was told he was very likely autistic and while i believed it, i was determined to not let it kidnap my baby into a silent world of no interaction with other people. now, he's charming. a flirt really. he knows how to get what he wants and he knows what buttons to push to get to momma or daddy's pushover side. he follows directions, he knows a few sign language signs, and he really does try to say words. and he makes his stuffed snoopy give his momma kisses, which is really the very best thing ever.

- two of my favorite people are still happy dating each other. yippee! in regards to their privacy, i am not saying anything else about them here. just that i am still happy for them, even though it seems really really weird to look at them as a couple instead of who they were as individuals in my life first.

- just over a month away is a BIG ASS girls' weekend. many friends from hither and yon are coming in to this gathering. i will be carpooling with a very very wise and funny woman. the car ride to the gathering and back should by itself make the whole weekend worthwhile. i am stoked and already planning what i am going to wear.

fuck off edouard

2008-08-04T13:17:00.002-05:00

i am a desert rat through and through. the deepest darkest blackest depths of my corrupt soul are of the desert. i know and understand drought, blistering heat with no humidity, the monsoons at the end of summer...

now, in the south, i must contend with the threat of hurricanes along with other strange things like torrential rains that last for days, tornadoes, and humid air so thick it's practically suffocating.

within the last day or so tropical storm edouard has formed in the gulf of mexico and has a forecasted path that takes it pretty much right over my area. i am scared shitless. or rather, i am scared sick. my stomach has been in knots all day. i have that ulcer-y feeling eating away at my gut. i hate anything that can be classified as weather. hate it. HATE.

living in a trailer (mobile home) doesn't allow a worry wart desert rat like me any piece of mind. i fear the winds that might blow so hard they would damage our house. i fear winds that will cause one of the many large trees around our house to break and land on our roof. i fear being without electricity for days on end.

the anticipation is the worst. i wish it would just come on already. or else fall apart. all i really want to say is "fuck off, edouard."

is anybody out there?

2008-07-31T13:32:00.001-05:00

i am not sure if anyone reads my blog yet or not. besides, you know...me. let's try this, shall we?

i saw this on somebody else's blog and decided to steal it. PLEASE play along.

1) As a comment on my blog, leave one memory that you and I had together. It doesn’t matter if you knew me a little or a lot, anything you remember.

2) Next, re-post these instructions on your blog and see how many people leave a memory about you. It’s actually pretty funny to see the responses. If you leave a memory about me, I’ll assume you’re playing the game and I’ll come to your blog and leave one about you. If you don’t want to play on your blog, or if you don’t have a blog, I’ll leave my memory of you in my comments.

how perfectly fitting

2008-07-28T23:14:00.003-05:00

i came across this passage a few days ago. i think it's beautiful and articulates a goal that all of us as humans reach for.

I must learn to love the fool in me - the one who feels too much, talks too much, takes too many chances, wins sometimes and loses often, lacks self-control, loves and hates, hurts and gets hurt, promises and breaks promises, laughs and cries. It alone protects me against that utterly self-controlledmasterful tyrant whom i also harbor and who would rob me of human aliveness, humility, and dignity but for my fool.

it comes from Love Me, Love My Fool: Thoughts From A Psychoanalyst's Notebook by Theodore Isaac Rubin.

apology accepted or not

2008-07-25T12:47:00.002-05:00

i recently saw an apology issued to some friends of mine by somebody that was seemingly long gone from their past. this person used, lied to and hurt many people. when somebody issues an apology, what should be done with it?

the mature and wonderfully ideal thing to do is accept it and move on and not let hurt feelings remain hurt. however in the real world where i live, i'm not so quick to let bygones be bygones. i guess i accept apologies but i am not so quick to simply forgive and forget.

i was apologized to recently. but it's for something that has happened many times. many times i have been apologized to. i accept these apologies and believe that hurting my feelings was never the intention. however, i WAS hurt. i have a problem getting passed this.

i don't think i am asking too much by wanting time after an apology to mull it over and allow my heart to heal. in any situation, it seems wrong and presumptuous of the apology maker to expect that just because they say the words "i am sorry" that they should be given a clean slate.

to be truely sorry and apologetic for a wrongdoing, whether intentional or not, one should be willing to accept that they may in fact not be forgiven. that's part of life. you just have to build a bridge and get your ass over it.

bite me

2008-07-23T08:21:00.003-05:00

i am pissed. i am whiney. i am not suitable for public consumption or viewing. i am a bitch today. i want pity and i want flowers to miraculously be delivered to me from a certain person who ought to be kissing my ass instead chewing it out.

but whatever. i am exhausted. i am stressed out. i wants a full night's sleep. do you hear that, toddler? do you? did you know that your momma is much more fun and lovable when she gets enough sleep? no, he doesn't hear. he will probably be waking up crying several times a night until he starts kindergarten.

it's a gloomy rainy day. i feel it. all i want to do is shout and use my very favorite word which happens to be fuck. no, all i really want to do is sleep. but fuck that. i will drink coffe and diet coke all day. i will sit on the porch and smoke too many cigarettes and stew. i will NOT cook dinner and everyone else in the world besides my son can suck it.

it's past my bedtime and i'm eating cheezits

2008-07-21T22:38:00.004-05:00

it's 10:41 pm. i am generally in bed before 10. i am a wuss. i can't rock the late nights anymore. it might have something to do with the fact that i have a toddler who generally wakes up by 6:30 or it may just be that the older i get, the more i relish, enjoy and simply long for sleep.

my beloved husband is working all night. again. he works in the "the oil field" and he works very long hours, sometimes a work "day" is as long as 30-36 hours long. when he is not going to be sleeping to the right of me, i force myself to stay up very late so that when i do go to bed i will fall asleep almost immediately. don't ask me why. it's just what i do.

so i'm home alone, sort of. the toddler is in bed. i have a book that i must read. it was lent to me about 2 weeks ago and i have only read a chapter of it. granted it's a short book but, i still haven't read much of it. it has been on my to-read list for a couple of years. you'd think i might take this opportunity to read. as the practically single parent of a toddler who rarely gets time to do such simple and pleasurable adult things as reading a book, i should be reading the damn book.

instead i am eating cheezits.

it's now 11:33 pm. much time has passed because around 35 minutes ago my brother damn near gave me a coronary by walking into my house. i don't know about you but when somebody unexpectedly enters my house late at night i tend to panic. thank god i didn't scream. that would have woken the small person and then i would have had to try to kick my big brother's ass which wouldn't be physically possible. it just would have ended up real ugly for me. brother is in a good mood, but won't spill any details about his new girlfriend. i doubt that i will get anything of my sister in law either. jerks. don't they know that i should be privvy to whatever details of their private lives that i desire? i kid. i love them both and respect their privacy. but i AM a nosey bitch and relish whatever lurid details they might share with me.

i think i need to go lay in bed and stuff my nose into the book i'm supposed to be reading so i can return it. i know as soon as i read a paragraph or maybe a page i'll be asleep. it's past my bedtime and i am done with the cheezits.

truely the nastiest shoes in the world

2008-07-20T10:02:00.005-05:00

just yesterday i was searching images online on a quest to find the ugliest, most awful shoes known to mankind. i found a few here and there that i figured would be considered universally hideoous regardless of one's personal taste. however, the most offensive shoes i have ever seen or imagined exist right in my own home.

these shoes are called the "spider man shoes". i hate these shoes. i hate them with the white hot burning passion of 1001 suns. but they do a job that so far no other shoe has been able to toe the line for.

i have a 22 month old son. i call him sasquatch because he is enormous for his age. he is a pale pink chubby nearly hairless lovechild of big foot. sasquatch has very cute chubby toddler feet. the trouble is that they are so chubby that ordinary cute toddler summer shoes such as flip flops and various variations of them do not fit his foot. the spider man shoes were the only pair of sandal-esque type shoes i could find this past spring that were not outrageously spendy. they had to be easy on/off shoes that sasquatch could play in the yard in when we didn't want to mess with socks and his regualr tie-up sneakers.

the spider man shoes are vile. i hate character clothes, shoes, crap, whatever. my kid will not wear cartoon character stuff. sorry, it can be cute on other people's babies, but i hate it and will not put it on mine. it kills me that my kid has spider man shoes. they are so ugly. so let me finally describe them:

they are black foamy stuff. they have big ugly velcro straps that allow them to open and close over a very chubby pink toddler foot. and all over the sides of them they have these plastic puffy spiderman emblems on them. and the very worst part is that they stink. they stink like the shittest nastiest depths of hell. even if they get tossed in the washing machine with a load of clothes every single day, as soon as sasquatch has had them on his feet for 5 minutes, they will stink you out of a room.

it's awful to yell at one's husband to put his work boots outside on the porch because you think they are stinking up the house. it's even more awful when those work boots that get worn for 14+ hours a day in the texas heat in the oilfield smell less bad than a baby's summer sandals.

so while these may in fact be the stuff nightmares are made of, they are not the most horrible shoes ever seen. these are freaky, ugly ugly monstrosities, but they are not the worst. no readers, these are mild.

the spider man shoes from hell. be glad that these exist in my home and not yours. be very very glad.

Alas!

2008-07-19T13:50:00.002-05:00

here it is 4 months later and i have not even revisited my own blog. i have such lofty expectations of myself and have become quite slothful.

so much has happened in my world since i intended to start back into this blogging thing. for starters, i was hospitalized for depression at the beginning of April. the depression and resulting stay at the funny farm were both the worst and best things that could have happened to me.

isn't horrible how hindsight is always perfect? looking back i can see that i had been struggling with depression for a very long time. it just hadn't ever completely taken over my life the way it slowly but surely did this past spring. i never realized how terribly i felt because it had been slow and so long since i had really felt good and like myself. anyhow, now with the help of modern chemisrty i am right as the rain on most days.

part of my problem is that i have super high expectations of myself. and pretty much the whole world. for whatever reason there is a really high standard i have set in my head and not being able to consistantly reach that nearly impossible bar sent my neurotically high strung perfectionista little self right over the edge. it's nice now being a little lazy, slower, accepting that nothing and nobody is perfect and doesn't need to be. life is much more enjoyable that way.

let it be

2008-03-15T15:11:00.000-05:00

i always feel like i have so much to say until i sit down to write. i guess that's why i quit blogging before. there was too much to get out and no way to make words out of it.

the world goes around, and on, and i run after it trying desperately to find some connection most of the time. a song lyric or a line in a book or movie and can be perfect, fitting. however they're fleeting and gone just as quickly as they are noticed.